Rants In Our Pants

Getting Our Kicks on Route 666: The Devil Made Us Do It

Finally, it can be told: eSarcasm is an agent of Satan. We feel so much better now that the truth is out.

By (@tynanwrites)

June 3, 2010

We have reached an epic milestone in the history of eSarcasm, The Plus-Size Dating Service For Discreet Professionals With Discerning Tastes ™. This marks the 666th post since the site’s inception in stealth mode approximately one year ago, and now the truth can finally be told.

Yes, your suspicions are true. We are agents of the devil. Hell fiends. BFFs with the beast that slouches toward Bethlehem, only it looks more like Cupertino without all the Starbucks.

We make this disclosure in accordance with FTC requirements concerning alliances with members of the underworld. (We’re still waiting for Mashable’s Pete Cashmore to post his.)

You say you don’t believe that a malevolent otherworldly force routinely influences events on this planet? We have just five words for you: Sex and the City II. No way that turkey gets made without Satanic intervention. (Though we understand He turned down an executive producers credit.)

So we made our deal with the devil — to promote pornography and licentiousness, to promulgate dweeby sophomoric humor, to combat the forces of niceness, and to torment Apple Fanboys. (Actually, that wasn’t part of the deal, we just do it because it’s so damned fun.)

And what did we get out of this? Frankly, not as much as we’d hoped. By now we expected to be fabulously wealthy and have our own TV show on local access cable. So far, we got bupkis. And that’s not the only part of the deal that went south.

That threesome with Lindsay Lohan and Betty White? Never happened. We’re still not sure what to do with all the lube we bought.

Did Justin Bieber get personally violated by a pack of hormone crazed orangutans? No, goddamnit, he didn’t.

Did Michael Arrington and Robert Scoble reveal the love that dare not speak its name (lest we all begin projectile vomiting)? Not yet, but there’s still time.

The moral here: When you deal with the Devil, always read the fine print — especially the stuff in 0.5-point type. (We thought it was just dust mites.) It turns out all of Old Scratch’s promises hinged entirely on using Twitter for SEO and passive income generation. Even He got sucked in by that bullshit.

So now you know.

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