Rants In Our Pants

15 Things You Won’t Hear Said at Apple’s WWDC

Everyone’s predicting what Apple will announce at its Developers Conference. Only eSarcasm, though, can tell you what the mystical Mr. Jobs won’t say when he takes the stage.

Apple WWDC 2010Break out your finest turtlenecks: It’s time for Apple’s annual self-love fest, the famed Worldwide Developers Conference. The WWDC, as it’s called — the acronym’s similarity to WWJD is no coincidence — kicks off next Monday in San Francisco. You can almost feel the fanboy boners forming in unison already.

Despite the spoiler surrounding this year’s new iPhone, Stevie J is swearing up and down he’ll be able to wow the crowds with his company’s plans. We can’t say for sure what he will announce up on that stage, but we can tell you with near-certainty what you won’t hear coming out of Steve’s five-billion-dollar-mouth.

So bet early and bet often: Here are 15 things you absolutely won’t hear uttered at Apple’s Worldwide Developers Conference.

15. “The new iPhone is ordinary and in no way revolutionary.”

14. “We’d like to give a warm greeting to our special guests, those guys from Gizmodo.”

13. “Sorry I’m late — my Droid just got the Froyo update and I had to check it out.”

12. “Does this turtleneck make me look fat?”

11. “I’d like to thank Daring Fireball’s John Gruber for all the fine analysis he’s provided, and also for all the handjobs.”

10. “This week’s big news: I’m leaving Apple to become the new judge on American Idol.”

9. “Just kidding. I’m actually taking over The Apprentice. My catchphrase will be ‘You’re banned.'”

8. “Today we’re announcing an exciting new App Store partnership with Vivid Video. Here to tell you all about it is the lovely Jenna Jameson.”

Steve Jobs God7. “Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Adobe CEO Shantanu Narayen.”

6. “We really admire all the work Microsoft has done with Windows Mobile. See, I can say that with a straight face. Phil Schiller just lost a bet.”

5. “Why yes, as a matter of fact, I am a god among men. Thanks for asking.”

4. “We deeply respect all that Woz has done for Apple. But I’m still not sure how he keeps managing to get off the island.”

3. “I decided to go with the red cardigan this year.”

2. “You’ve all already seen this thing, so fuck it — I’m going home.”

1. “Developers! Developers! Developers!”

(Steve Jobs cartoon image courtesy DailyGalaxy.com; iPad commandments image courtesy MacDailyNews.com)

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