Dr. Smartass

Love Hurts: The World’s Worst Sex Injuries

Sometimes sex can go wrong. Horribly wrong. Dr. Smartass reveals the most common and curious sex injuries seen ’round the world.

By (@doctorsmartass)

May 24, 2010

Got a question for Dr. Smartass? E-mail doc [at] esarcasm.com.

Dr. SmartassSex, my good readers, is a risky endeavor — that’s something everyone knows. After all, you can end up with STDs, public embarassment, or haunting memories of an overweight partner you wish you’d never seen in the light of day.

It turns out, though, that the biggest risks may be even more basic.

Having just returned from a week-long swingers’ cruise, your dear Dr. S has had a chance to do some leisure reading. This leisure reading may or may have not been the result of serious injuries inflicted during said swingers’ cruise; that’s neither here nor there.

What’s important is what your virtual doc has discovered: Injuries from sex are incredibly common. And amusing. So long as you aren’t the one experiencing them.

A recent study by a British agency found a full third of adults had suffered sex-related injuries, five percent of which were severe enough to warrant staying home from work. (The fact that Dr. S hasn’t been around in a couple of weeks is purely coincidental, by the way; please don’t jump to any conclusions.)

Some highly entertaining highlights from the study:

Sex Injuries

  • The most commonly reported sex-related injuries: pulled muscle (no, not that one), injured back, carpet burn, cricked neck, bashed elbow, bashed knee, bruised shoulder, twisted knee, spained wrist, spained angle, and bent-back finger (isn’t that a position from the Kama Sutra?).
  • Nearly 40 percent of people say they’ve broken something besides themselves during the act — everything from bed frames to picture frames, doors to windows, and even walls.
  • Ten percent of people say they’ve fallen off the bed during sex; one out of every 50 people has fallen off a washing machine. (It probably goes without saying that they weren’t using the gentle cycle.)
  • Some of the more serious sex injuries doctors commonly see include penile fractures (ouch!) and — to quote emergency medicine expert Dr. Billy Goldberg — “a lot of rectal foreign bodies.”

If you think solo sex is the solution, think again: Dr. Goldberg says he once saw a man in his sixties who fractured his Fonz while practicing the one-handed passion thrashin’. The fella fell down while rushing to lock the door after he heard his mother coming into the room.

Sex AccidentAnd ladies, you aren’t exempt, either: Another ER doc reveals he once saw a woman who suffered actual burns because her partner went downtown right after eating a spicy meal. Whoops.

So what to do to stay safe from these coital catastrophes? My ER-oriented colleagues suggest stretching beforehand — which could actually work in multiple ways, as any self-respecting partner will flee the second you stop foreplay to start leg lunges.

The ER guys also recommend staying away from lit candles and any pointy objects (well, except for that one) and making sure your pets are out of the room. A separate study actually found cats are likely to jump on beds and “scratch at genitals” when they see their owners going at it.

Needless to say, that is one type of pussy action you won’t be bragging about the next day.


  When it comes to sex, pain is par for the course
  But long-term damage will result in remorse.
  Even getting herpes doesn’t seem so bad
  When you consider the notion of breaking your nads.

Until next time,

Dr. Smartass

Got a question for Dr. Smartass? E-mail him: doc@esarcasm.com.

(Awkward-legged lady image courtesy YourTango.com)

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