Rants In Our Pants

The New Microsoft Hotmail: If Steve Jobs Had Announced It

Come on, Microsoft — where’s the magic? Where’s the revolution? Here’s how the Hotmail upgrade announcement would have gone if Steve Jobs had done it.

By (@JRRaphael)

May 18, 2010

Microsoft unveiled a new version of its Hotmail e-mail service this week. But the company’s low-key media event left us longing for the hyperbole-laden absurdity passion-filled enthusiasm we’ve come to expect from product launches these days.

That got us thinking: What if Steve Jobs had made the Hotmail announcement? How different would it have been?

What follows is the answer.

Microsoft Hotmail Upgrade[A crowd of ass-kissers Jobs-approved journalists sits in a darkened room. Decidedly hip music blares from speakers. A black-turtlenecked figure enters. Everyone in the audience stands and applauds; sixty percent of them experience spontaneous orgasms.]

Jobs: “Good morning. We’ve got something to share with you today that we’re pretty excited about. We think you’re really going to love it.”

[Entire audience applauds; forty percent of them experience second spontaneous orgasms.]

Jobs: “The next generation of the most advanced messaging system in the world has arrived. I give you the new Hotmail.”

[Walt Mossberg tosses a bra onto the stage; Robert Scoble passes out from hyperventilation.]

Jobs: “This new Hotmail is really wonderful. It’s our most advanced technology in a magical and revolutionary interface. It’s pretty fantastic.”

[TechCrunch publishes a full review declaring the new Hotmail a “complete game-changer.”]

Microsoft Hotmail PresentationJobs: “One of our new features is the ability to view attached photos right within a message. It’s truly a beautiful and revolutionary interface. We weren’t the first to this party, but we’re going to be the best.”

[One of the guys from Mashable asks a CNET reporter when her story will be online so he can start writing his unoriginal 300-word summary of it.]

Jobs: “You can also now access Hotmail anywhere you go, thanks to our amazing new mobile-optimized Web site. It’s really wonderful, just a beautiful interface. It will truly revolutionize the way you think about e-mail.”

[TechCrunch publishes a story saying Microsoft’s tablet is definitely going to be released next month.]

Jobs: “Plus, the new Hotmail lets you use our unbelievable Bing search technology to have the entire Internet at your fingertips, without ever leaving your inbox. It’s an amazing experience, very simple and incredibly beautiful. We think our users are really going to love it.”

[Robert Scoble wakes up and posts an update about his bowels to Facebook.]

New Microsoft HotmailJobs: “And with our revolutionary new ‘graymail’ filtration system, getting rid of unwanted messages is easier than ever. That means you’ll finally have a beautiful environment with total freedom from porn, satire, and anything else we tell you is offensive.”

[Mashable publishes a 300-word summary about Justin Bieber’s weekend trip to the beach, which just happens to be a trending topic on Google right now.]

Jobs: “So, to review: The new Hotmail is our most advanced technology in a magical and revolutionary interface. It’s really wonderful, a true breakthrough in electronic messaging. It has a lot of great features you’re really going to love. We think it’s pretty fantastic.”

[Everyone applauds wildly; Walt Mossberg tosses a frilly pink thong onto the stage.]

Jobs: “We’d love to take some questions you might have, and answer them all by making meaningless statements loaded with the same seven adjectives I’ve been repeating throughout this presentation.”

[That one song by Ace of Base starts playing. Some guy from Gizmodo shouts obscenities at the stage; Robert Scoble passes out from hyperventilation again; TechCrunch publishes a blog saying Steve Jobs is dead.]

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