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‘Evil Tech Idol’ Names Final Three Contenders

Following a shocking results night elimination, Apple, Comcast, and Facebook will advance to the final showdown in this year’s Evil Tech Idol competition.

By (@JRRaphael)

May 13, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Evil Tech IdolThe stage is set for what promises to be a dramatic finale for this year’s Evil Tech Idol competition.

Last night, the smash-hit reality show revealed its final three contenders: Apple, Comcast, and current crowd-favorite Facebook. Former frontrunner Google — once considered a shoo-in for the final three — was eliminated in a shocking results night revelation.

“Yo Google, dog, you gotta be in it to win it,” Evil Tech Idol judge Randy Jackson commented. “You know what I love about you, man? You’ve got so much potential. But this is an evil competition, dog, and you can’t be an Evil Idol when you don’t even believe in your own evil nature.”

While Google failed to impress the panel, Facebook shot to the front of the pack with its crowd-pleasing performance of “Rape Your Privacy, Then Pretend It’s For Your Own Benefit.”

“Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant,” remarked judge Simon Cowell. “You may have just won the competition.”

Still, Apple and Comcast aren’t giving up the Evil Tech Idol fight. Apple won points early on in the competition with its ovation-earning triple play of “Banning Apps For No Discernable Reason,” “Restricting Users In Every Way Possible,” and “Pissing Off Developers with Unreasonable Regulations.” Last night’s performance of “Calling Ordinary Things Magical and Knowing People Will Believe It” won serious accolades from the judging panel, too, but failed to impress guest mentor Bill Gates.

Bill Gates Evil Tech Idol

Gates with Evil Tech Idol host Ryan Seacreast

“Look, until the government launches a full-fledged antitrust investigation, I just don’t see the commitment,” Gates, the show’s original Evil Tech Idol, said.

Comcast, meanwhile, is hoping its evil plans to take over NBC and make it even shittier will convince crowds it’s worthy of the Evil Tech Idol crown. With its heartfelt performance of “Suicide-Inducing Customer Support” — lauded by judge Randy Jackson as being “a hot one tonight!” — the cable giant may just stand a chance.

The Evil Tech Idol finale is scheduled for next Tuesday at 8:00 p.m., except in areas serviced by AT&T. The company is boycotting the show due to its own early disqualification; producers say AT&T was removed from the top 12 for failing to disclose its previously held title of “Worst Company Ever.”

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