Look, Ma! I Got Crabs From the Internet
Screw screwing: These days, all it takes is a couple of ill-fated clicks to get creepy, crawly crabs in your you-know-what. No, we aren’t kidding.
Jeepers creepers, is there anything the Internet can’t give you?
Among its many bizarre offerings, it turns out the Web can now deliver pubic lice to a fun zone near you. But not in the way you might expect.
The Internet-contracted crabs, you see, are something you actually order. Voluntarily. (Go ahead and breathe a sigh of relief, heavy porn users.) They’re part of a highly disturbing new kind of online business that deals in the fine art of genital-oriented revenge.
From Canada’s Canoe news agency:
“A website in Britain called crabrevenge.com says it sells pubic lice. While the disclaimer says the website creators ‘do not endorse giving people lice,’ and the lice are for ‘novelty purposes only,’ the website talks about using them for revenge.”
Indeed, it does. The site, boasting the slogan “Make That Bitch Itch,” offers three different types of package-infesting packages. According to its “About” page, the creators felt pubic lice would be a lovely way for people to get back at unfaithful exes and other unfortunate acquaintances. For as little as $30, you can get a fresh vial of crabs shipped straight to your door for on-demand infecting. Another site called RevengeCrabs.com offers similar services.
Just look at some of the testimonials the two sites provide from their “happy” clients (again, we really aren’t making this stuff up):
“I’m a shaver so I never thought I’d get crabs. My ex still seeded my bed, and he got me good because my other boyfriend caught them instead of me. I was so embarrassed.”
Jessica R. –Hilldale, CA
Ladies, take note: That is how you write an online dating profile.
“I wasn’t sure if my boyfriend was cheating on me, so I bought some crabs and gave put them on him one night after sex. Sure enough, less than a week later [NAME REDACTED] from my office couldn’t hardly sit for five minutes with all the itching she had. Thanks Revenge Crabs, you confirmed my suspicions!”
Haley Y. – Chicago, IL
Ahah! So that explains why Dr. Smartass called out sick last Thursday.
“Thank you SO much you saved my marridge (sic)! My wife broke it off with her new lover because she thought he gave her crabs, wish I had found this site sooner!”
Ryan – Hamilton
Aww…true romance is alive and well. And scratching profusely.
As absurd as it sounds, we really are itching to know if these pubic lice peddlers are for real. So if you’re actually dumb enough to try their services for yourself, please do let us know how it turns out. Via e-mail, that is — we’re not getting anywhere near your crab-infested ass.
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