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This Just In: Beautiful Women Are Hazardous to Your Health

A new study concludes that being forced to hang around gorgeous women does bad things to men. Where can we sign up for one of those studies?

By (@tynanwrites)

May 10, 2010

A study by Spanish researchers has confirmed something most men have known for a long time: Pretty women are killing us.

Scientists at the University of Valencia report that being left alone in the presence of a beautiful woman is as stressful for some men as jumping out of an airplane, only without a parachute. And that in turn can lead to increased risk of heart attacks, adult-onset diabetes, hypertension, and the desire to jump out of a plane without a parachute.

The researchers paid 84 college students $20 each for a test they were told involved solving Sudoku puzzles. The test subjects were told to wait in a room with another man (a researcher) and a hot babe (a hot babe). The man then left, leaving the math dweebs alone with the babe for five minutes, during which time they babbled incoherently, made painfully lame attempts at conversation, and played with their iPhones. Researchers then used cotton swabs to measure the amount of cortisol in their saliva, completely ignoring any other bodily fluids that may also have been secreted during that time.

Scientists report that stress levels rose even higher when the woman was perceived to be out of the man’s league, sexually speaking. Despite this, the dweebs continued to attempt to make sexual connections — because there was at least an 0.000000001% chance she might be slutty/blind/crazy enough to say yes.

Afterwards, test subjects reported experiencing feelings of arousal while solving Sudoku puzzles and asked to be excused for a few minutes while they attended to some, umm, personal business.

Scientists concluded that men seeking to ensure a long life would be well advised to spend more time with ugly women. However, they have yet to find anyone willing to do so.

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