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Pinocchio Sex Tapes Circulating Across Net

A porn video featuring the star of “Shrek Forever After” with an underage Marionette is spreading across the Web. Really. Would we lie to you?

By (@tynanwrites)

May 10, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Yet another Hollywood icon has snared by a sex tape controversy. Pinocchio, the pine-based star of the upcoming Dreamworks summer blockbuster, “Shrek Forever After,” is the subject of an intimate video making its way across the Web.

The nasally endowed homunculus joins a long line of celebrities whose sexual adventures have graced the Net, including Playmate Kendra Wilkinson, actor Colin Ferrel, alleged actress Paris Hilton, whore-for-hire Kim Kardashian, and eSarcasm’s own JR Raphael.

eSarcasm has obtained clips of the tape, which feature the 36-inch-tall puppet in a variety of sexual positions with an apparently underage Marionette (NSFW). (Click on images to display video.)

After a spectacular debut with Disney’s “Pinocchio” in 1940, the Wooden One’s film career had been in decline for decades until it was revived by the Shrek franchise in 2001. There he found new life in a small but pivotal role as a cross-dressing, bondage-friendly simpleton who is easily manipulated by his friends the Gingerbread Man and the Three Little Pigs.

Now all of that is threatened. eSarcasm has learned that McDonalds has quietly shelved plans to release another Happy Meals toy based on the Shrek character. A plush toy deal with Mattel and a Weezer music video are also in jeopardy.

In a emotional interview with eSarcasm, Pinocchio admitted to making the sex tape and apologized for disappointing his fans, though he swears “Marion” told him she was of age.

A deeply dysfunctional childhood led him to become a sex addict, Pinocchio claims. He revealed that as a young puppet he had been sexually abused by Geppetto and forced to lie repeatedly in a variety of compromising and often unhygenic positions.

“He kept promising me that if I just did that awful thing one more time he’d make me a real boy,” said the mournful mannequin. “He really knew how to pull my strings.”

Puppet porn courtesy of SexualPositionsFree.com.






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