Rants In Our Pants

The 12 Universal Truths About Twitter

Warning: This story may permanently alter your perception of social media. Are you ready to be enlightened?

By (@JRRaphael)

May 7, 2010

Universal Truths About TwitterIn the world of technology, some things are just certainties. You know that Michael Arrington will report an unsubstantiated rumor sometime soon, for example, and you know that Steve Jobs will shart out something “magical and revolutionary” before the day’s end.

When it comes to Twitter, we’ve found there are 12 universal truths — guiding principles, if you will — that can help us all better navigate the tweeting experience. Learn these truths. Memorize them. Write them on or around your genitalia. But for the love of Ashton, accept them — and you’ll never be led astray.

Twitter Truth #1

If someone’s Twitter bio states that they are “talented” or “successful,” it is safe to assume they are neither of those things.

Twitter Truth #2

He who brags about how many friends he has on Twitter has no friends in real life.

Twitter Truth #3Chipotle Twitpic

The fact that you can easily share photos does not mean that you always should. We’re looking at you, Ms. Check-Out-My-Lunch-at-Chipotle.

Twitter Truth #4

If someone has their shirt off in their profile picture, they are not the kind of person you want to meet. Unless they are a chick — maybe (see truth #5).

Twitter Truth #5

Hot chicks in revealing outfits? Almost always dudes looking to spam your horny ass. Twitter Spamming Tool

Twitter Truth #6

Aside from celebrities and legitimate public figures, the higher a person’s follower count, the more likely he is a total tool.

Twitter Truth #7

Anyone who uses software to automatically follow you back is probably not worth following in the first place.

Twitter Truth #8

“Social media expert” is a euphemism for “unemployed and unskilled ass-hat.” The same applies for “social media guru,” “Internet marketing guru,” and “Perez Hilton.”

Twitter Truth #9

A person who sends out regular updates on her location is a person you should unfollow immediately. Even if she just became the mayor of Bojangles in Paducah.
Foursquare Douchebag

Twitter Truth #10

He who uses the word “tweeps” is most certainly a twat.

Twitter Truth #11

We’re still not entirely sure who this Justin Beaver character is — we heard he might be Hilary Swank — but everyone needs to shut the fuck up about him already.

Twitter Truth #12Fail Whale Slut

The Fail Whale may seem like an innocent creature. Don’t be fooled, though: She is a filthy, kinky slut. Believe us, we know.

For more highly scientific Twitter knowledge, check out these other exclusive eSarcasm reports:

  1. 25 Ways to Be a Total Tool on Twitter
  2. To Follow or Not to Follow: A Twitter Guide
  3. Chart: The Truth About Twitter’s Traffic

(Images courtesy Journeyclose at Zazzle.com and raouldraws at Flickr)

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