Rants In Our Pants

Heavenly Apple, We Have Sinned. Please Forgive Us.

If Ellen DeGeneres is sorry for mocking the iPhone, we’re really sorry for all the nasty things we’ve said about Apple. Really. Steve, can you find it in your heart to forgive us?

By (@tynanwrites)

May 6, 2010

Yesterday, one day after running a cute, mildly amusing mock ad gently chiding Apple for its less-than-perfect onscreen keyboard, Ellen DeGeneres issued a seemingly heartfelt on-air apology. To Apple. For being un-nice. Because they called and asked her to.

Sayeth Ellen:

"I just want to say that I’m sorry if I made it look like the iPhone is hard to use. It’s not hard to use. I have an iPhone, Portia has an iPhone. I just learned how to text on an iPhone. It’s the only phone I can text on and I love it. I love my iPad. I love my iPod. I love iHOP, if you have anything to do with that. So to everybody at Apple – Steve Jobs, Mr. Macintosh – I apologize. I’m sorry.”

Here it is, along with the offending mock-ad.

We are pleased to report that Mrs. DeGeneres, Portia de Rossi, and their dogs Fluffy and Muffdiver were returned unharmed shortly after Ellen made her mea culpa.

That got us to thinking. If America’s favorite non-threatening lesbian can apologize to Apple, why can’t we?

Of course, we’ve got a lot more to apologize for. A whole lot more. So this might take a while. Here goes.

Dear Apple: We’re sorry…

* For suggesting that Steve Jobs’ ever-present black turtleneck is actually a full-body tattoo.

* For implying that Apple is a totalitarian regime much like China, only with fewer tanks.

* For stating that Steve Jobs keeps a stable of comatose organ donors on call in case the new iLiver fails.

* For accusing Steve Jobs of buying a home in "Assfuck, Tennessee" just so he could qualify for said liver transplant. (In fact, he purchased that home in Suckdick, a suburb of Assfuck.)

* For positing that Steve Jobs is full of shit about the whole Adobe Flash thing. He is full of shit, but we’re sorry about it anyway.

* For saying Apple Special Events aren’t really all that special.

* For reporting that Steve Jobs was arrested for shoplifting. As far as we’ve been able to determine, those charges were dropped.

* For claiming Apple sued God for infringing their copyright on the Apple logo.

* For chastising Apple for banning porn apps, political satire, and just generally being total dicks about the app store approval process.

* For claiming Apple banned eSarcasm from the app store. We don’t have an app. If we did have an app, though, we’re 99.947 percent sure it would get banned.

* For whispering that Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak had a brief but tumultuous affair in the late 1970s. We have since learned this was limited to a few hand jobs in the server closet — no big deal.

* For accusing Steve Jobs of being an arrogant, spoiled, ego-centric, potty-mouthed tyrant. Oh sorry, that was Fake Steve Jobs who did that. Our bad.

There must be other things we’re sorry for, but we can’t seem to recall what they are at the moment. So we’re issuing a blanket apology.

Oh, and one more thing: We’re sorry for not actually being sorry about any of this stuff. You egomaniacal bastards.

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