Alternate Reality

Seattle Citizens Protest Arrival of Michael Arrington

Thousands of protesters filled downtown Seattle today in an attempt to keep the bad boy of TechCrunch from moving to their rainy, highly caffienated city.

By (@tynanwrites)

May 5, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Thousands of Seattle residents took to the streets today to protest the imminent arrival of TechCrunch impressario Michael Arrington.

In a blog post yesterday, Arrington revealed he had moved his permanent domicile to Seattle so he could spend less time with his family and more time with Amazon. According to Arrington, the online retailer has stopped responding to his calls and emails, so he’s decided to park outside their headquarters and shout up at them via a megaphone.

Carrying posters saying “Hell No, Arrington Must Go” and “Crunch This, Asshole!” protestors marched through the business district of downtown Seattle, which Arrington had characterized as “the minor leagues of startups” and “outside the jurisdiction of my parole officer.”

“We don’t need his brand of fact-free reporting and sleazy rumor mongering,” said one middle-aged male protestor, wearing a sweater and eating churros. He suggested that Portland or possibly Boise would be better suited for Arrington’s unique blend of arrogance and ignorance.

Not everyone in Seattle is upset by Arrington’s move. Ms. Fermina LaTouche, CEO of Mount Rainier Premiere Escorts, welcomed the tech mogul’s arrival, saying she could really use the business.

The protest was later marred by violence when a scuffle broke out between supporters of Seattle’s Best Coffee and Starbucks over whose “tall” latté was really “taller.”

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