Rants In Our Pants

Steve Jobs Slams Inquiry Into Apple Misconduct

A blog post allegedly written by Steve Jobs has surfaced, responding to rumors of federal anti-trust investigations into Apple. Is this the real Jobs? You be the judge.

By (@tynanwrites)

May 4, 2010

Rumors are swirling about possible investigations by the Department of Justice and the FTC into alleged Apple misconduct regarding its ban on Flash, the tight controls it places on developers, and its moves into the mobile advertising market.

eSarcasm has come into possession of a draft blog post, reportedly written by Apple CEO Steve Jobs, responding to news of a potential investigation. Though we cannot confirm the authenticity of this post, we present it here for your thoughtful consideration.

Thoughts on Federal Regulation

Apple has had a long relationship with the federal government. In fact, we first met when they were in their proverbial Subaru and I was in the proverbial garage of my palatial estate (the one I actually live in, not the one I bought in Assfuck Tennessee to qualify for that liver transplant). I invited them in for some Lapsong Oolong and we had a nice long chat about why back-dated stock options were essential to preserving the American Way of Life. Ever since then, like clockwork, they have received shiny new copies of every life-changing device we introduce the day we introduce it. You might say we have an understanding.

I wanted to jot down some thoughts about possible investigations into how Apple does business, so that customers, critics, the vile pondslime that makes up the technology press, and any potential Federal regulators may have a better understanding as to why they should go eat shit and die.

First, there’s “anti trust.”

Apple does not hinder competition. Apple has no competition. Apple products are 100 percent available from Apple. Period, end of story. That asinine “lets’ sell the OS to our competitors so we can be like Microsoft” bullshit was the first thing I killed when I brought Apple back from a persistent vegetative state in 1997. I still can’t believe anybody thought that was a good idea.

There’s only one place to get an iPod, an iPhone, or an iPad. You think that’s an accident? It’s not. You really want to buy a Microsoft iPhone? Seriously? Dude, get a grip.

Second there’s “the App Store.”

Yes, we rule the App Store with an iron fist. Yes our rules are capricious and arbitrary. Yes we approved 10,784 fart applications but killed political satire from a Pulitizer Prize winning cartoonist. Tough shit. Only the finest, loudest, smelliest farting apps make it past our censors blue haired old ladies quality assurance specialists. We do this to ensure a quality experience on the iPod, the iPhone, and the iPad. And by “quality experience,” I mean whatever the fuck I feel like approving at that moment in time. You don’t like it, develop for Android. Loser.

Third, there’s ad networks.

Hey, guess what — we now own a mobile ad network. It’s called iAd. And now you expect us to share iPhone usage data with, what, Google? Are you out of your fucking minds? Even Eric Schmidt isn’t that stupid, and that’s saying a lot.

Fourth there’s the English Language.

You want to add a diminutive ‘i’ in front of a capitalized noun, you gotta come to us first. And let me save you some time; the answer is no.

Fifth, there’s the most important reason.

Me. Without me, you got nothing. Without me, you’d be rebooting your Windows Mobile CE 9.0 phone six times a day while listening to your Creative Labs Windows Multimedia Player Home Edition 2.3 and waiting for Dell to ship you your 7-pound $2000 Windows Pentop Tablet PC. You need me. Piss me off and I’ll walk. I don’t need the money. I certainly don’t need the aggravation. I’ve already changed the world at least once today before lunch, and I’m this close to pulling a Houdini. Don’t push me.


I’m Steve Jobs. You’re not. End of discussion.

Steve Jobs
May 2010

Is this the real Steve Jobs or just a crappy knock-off of the Fake Steve Jobs? Let us know what you think in the comments below.

Drawing of Steve Jobs courtesy of the lovely and talented Chris Flick at CSF Graphics.

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  • this is a fake. why would steve jobs write something like this? this is plain and simple BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • OMG!! I THINK YOU MIGHT BE RIGHT!!!!!!~!!!~~!one

      Whew — that was a close one. Glad you were here to clear things up.

      • The Pope… From TV

        Wait, this isn't real? Are all the fart apps at least real? C'mon!

  • TPBGirl

    Assfuck Tennessee? Which asshole of Esarcasm came up with this sorry crap? You DO KNOW that 59 counties are ALL UNDER WATER! FLOODED! Titans stadium (LP FIELD) is under water! Opryland Hotel, etc etc. Read the friggen news people!!

    Tennessee is now a FEDERAL DISASTER and needs YOUR HELP! NOT your fucking “assfuck” insults! You just lost a loyal reader.

    • Bob

      Obviously you can't handle a joke. So why are you on here in the first place?

    • You know, some people consider ass-fucking a compliment.

      • I can see TGBgirl's point, actually. when you're under water, it's really hard to ass fuck. can't get any traction. so I can see why she'd be upset.

        • dr92060

          Good point Dan, especially if the water has set a while, gets real slick. I think she just wants some attention, you know be begged, maybe a little fore play first?

          • dr92060

            Wait, was that sexist? Sorry!!!!

    • The Pope… From TV

      Some people know what the real disaster in Tennessee is: your teeth. Maybe the flood was God's way of telling you to clean up.

  • BradP

    WTF is up with the comments… the website is called “esarcasm”. maybe change the name to iSarcasm and people will love the story.

    • *Ahem*

      “You want to add a diminutive ‘i’ in front of a capitalized noun, you gotta come to us first. And let me save you some time; the answer is no.”

  • BradP

    Go ahead…. Send the Apple iLawyers

  • soapy

    aw! priceless!

    i love it when clueless people take shit seriously!

    • Chris

      too true

  • dr92060

    really? People are getting bent out of shape here? What the hell is the world coming to? James I say sick the lawyers on Brad! Ryan ah ummm ok, and tpgchillgirl, dont sweat the small stuff, I'm sure your a valued member of the community.

  • Arne

    This is why Steve is my hero. Even though this is fake, the tone of this letter communicates how much power he has. Even the author of this article, who could have been fucking his girlfriend or going for a nice walking in the sunshine, bowed down to Steve's power and sat down to write this pointless parody of Steve's official response to Adobe. Every time somebody makes a parody video about the iPad or posts a negative comment about the iPhone on some tech website, they are bowing down to Steve's power, reaffirming his reputation as a tastemaker and innovator. Steve, keep on rocking. You killed the PC and now you're killing PC (political correctness) by not being afraid to kick some ass.

  • I could have been fucking my girlfriend? damn. why didn't I think of that?

    walking in the sunshine, not so much. I only come out at night…

  • dr92060

    I took care os that dfor you Dan, she is very committed to you btw, Dan This and Dan That! It was not walking in the sunshine, it was :”going for a nice walking in the sunshine” I'm not sure if there' s a difference! Have you bowed today?

    • Grumpy old faht

      Before you can go for a nice walking in the sunshine you must needs first obtain a shrubbery. So it's not so simple as it might seem at first look.


  • Buddha

    This in not so many words is what Jobs/Crapple is saying..
    But the demograpic is starting to wain, Good luck iDouche bags, better start selling your iStock….

  • Buddha

    This in not so many words is what Jobs/Crapple is saying..
    But the demograpic is starting to wain, Good luck iDouche bags, better start selling your iStock….

  • Chris

    too true