Rants In Our Pants

Steve Jobs Slams Inquiry Into Apple Misconduct

A blog post allegedly written by Steve Jobs has surfaced, responding to rumors of federal anti-trust investigations into Apple. Is this the real Jobs? You be the judge.

By (@tynanwrites)

May 4, 2010

Rumors are swirling about possible investigations by the Department of Justice and the FTC into alleged Apple misconduct regarding its ban on Flash, the tight controls it places on developers, and its moves into the mobile advertising market.

eSarcasm has come into possession of a draft blog post, reportedly written by Apple CEO Steve Jobs, responding to news of a potential investigation. Though we cannot confirm the authenticity of this post, we present it here for your thoughtful consideration.

Thoughts on Federal Regulation

Apple has had a long relationship with the federal government. In fact, we first met when they were in their proverbial Subaru and I was in the proverbial garage of my palatial estate (the one I actually live in, not the one I bought in Assfuck Tennessee to qualify for that liver transplant). I invited them in for some Lapsong Oolong and we had a nice long chat about why back-dated stock options were essential to preserving the American Way of Life. Ever since then, like clockwork, they have received shiny new copies of every life-changing device we introduce the day we introduce it. You might say we have an understanding.

I wanted to jot down some thoughts about possible investigations into how Apple does business, so that customers, critics, the vile pondslime that makes up the technology press, and any potential Federal regulators may have a better understanding as to why they should go eat shit and die.

First, there’s “anti trust.”

Apple does not hinder competition. Apple has no competition. Apple products are 100 percent available from Apple. Period, end of story. That asinine “lets’ sell the OS to our competitors so we can be like Microsoft” bullshit was the first thing I killed when I brought Apple back from a persistent vegetative state in 1997. I still can’t believe anybody thought that was a good idea.

There’s only one place to get an iPod, an iPhone, or an iPad. You think that’s an accident? It’s not. You really want to buy a Microsoft iPhone? Seriously? Dude, get a grip.

Second there’s “the App Store.”

Yes, we rule the App Store with an iron fist. Yes our rules are capricious and arbitrary. Yes we approved 10,784 fart applications but killed political satire from a Pulitizer Prize winning cartoonist. Tough shit. Only the finest, loudest, smelliest farting apps make it past our censors blue haired old ladies quality assurance specialists. We do this to ensure a quality experience on the iPod, the iPhone, and the iPad. And by “quality experience,” I mean whatever the fuck I feel like approving at that moment in time. You don’t like it, develop for Android. Loser.

Third, there’s ad networks.

Hey, guess what — we now own a mobile ad network. It’s called iAd. And now you expect us to share iPhone usage data with, what, Google? Are you out of your fucking minds? Even Eric Schmidt isn’t that stupid, and that’s saying a lot.

Fourth there’s the English Language.

You want to add a diminutive ‘i’ in front of a capitalized noun, you gotta come to us first. And let me save you some time; the answer is no.

Fifth, there’s the most important reason.

Me. Without me, you got nothing. Without me, you’d be rebooting your Windows Mobile CE 9.0 phone six times a day while listening to your Creative Labs Windows Multimedia Player Home Edition 2.3 and waiting for Dell to ship you your 7-pound $2000 Windows Pentop Tablet PC. You need me. Piss me off and I’ll walk. I don’t need the money. I certainly don’t need the aggravation. I’ve already changed the world at least once today before lunch, and I’m this close to pulling a Houdini. Don’t push me.


I’m Steve Jobs. You’re not. End of discussion.

Steve Jobs
May 2010

Is this the real Steve Jobs or just a crappy knock-off of the Fake Steve Jobs? Let us know what you think in the comments below.

Drawing of Steve Jobs courtesy of the lovely and talented Chris Flick at CSF Graphics.

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