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The State of the American Schlong

How do men measure up across America? Dr. Smartass details a rare study that breaks down the average size of the prize from state to state.

By (@doctorsmartass)

May 3, 2010

Got a question for Dr. Smartass? E-mail doc [at] esarcasm.com.

Dr. SmartassIf there’s one thing my lady readers have told me about dating from the female perspective, it’s that you never quite know what to expect. Once you round past second base, you learn some guys are into really strange things — and other guys have really strange things. Or maybe just really small ones.

So is there any measure of how men size up from one state to the next? That’s exactly what inch-counting reader Stephanie wanted to know.

From my inbox:

Dear Dr. Smartass,

This is totally going to sound slutty, but screw it: Is there any data out there that shows which states have the most well-endowed guys? My girlfriend moved to Arizona and swears she’s seen more really big boys there than she ever saw here in Iowa. She doesn’t believe me that it’s probably just a coincidence. Help!

-Stephanie

Stephanie, your dear doc doesn’t typically spend much time studying other men’s members. But for you, my lovely lady, Dr. Smartass has secured some semi-scientific data to help demystify your friend’s oral report.

Believe it or not, it turns out your gal pal’s odds of encountering a giant-sized jackhammer may actually be greater in the great state of Arizona.

Penis Size By StateThe crew from Condomania, a site that brags about being the first to break the Internet’s condom-selling cherry, recently released a sizeable study into its nationwide condom sales. Condomania, you see, sells size-specific rubbers: Gentlemen measure Mr. Happy, input an exact millimeter amount, and then get a custom-tailored condom made just for their chief of staff.

(Dr. Smartass’s tailor, incidentally, has never offered such outstanding services — though he did brush up a bit too close during a pants fitting one time.)

Now, Condomania’s chum chart is by no means a foolproof measure of the nation; after all, plenty of guys aren’t paying for millimeter-specific sheaths. But the data does take into account 27,000 men’s measurements over the past six years, so it’s nothing to shake a stick at.

“Unlike other studies in which participants were measuring their penis size solely for the sake of recording a measurement, and were perhaps more likely to exaggerate, our database is comprised of men looking for the best fit condom for safety and comfort, and thus, we believe, apt to be more accurate,” the company’s head honcho, who clearly values length in sentence composition, explains.

So without further adieu, here’s the long and the short of Condomania’s hard data:

The 50 U.S. States, in Order of Penis Size (Large to Small)

  1. New Hampshire
  2. OregonPenis Size in America
  3. New York
  4. Indiana
  5. Arizona
  6. Hawaii
  7. Louisiana
  8. Massachusetts
  9. Alabama
  10. Washington
  11. New Mexico
  12. California
  13. Arkansas
  14. Nevada
  15. Virginia
  16. Tennessee
  17. Illinois
  18. Oklahoma
  19. South Dakota
  20. Georgia
  21. Pennsylvania
  22. Mississippi
  23. Michigan
  24. Florida
  25. Rhode Island
  26. Kansas
  27. Maryland
  28. Minnesota
  29. Vermont
  30. Connecticut
  31. Wisconsin
  32. New Jersey
  33. North Dakota
  34. IdahoSmall Penis
  35. Texas
  36. Missouri
  37. Montana
  38. Ohio
  39. Nebraska
  40. Colorado
  41. Maine
  42. North Carolina
  43. Delaware
  44. South Carolina
  45. Kentucky
  46. West Virginia
  47. Alaska
  48. Iowa
  49. Utah
  50. Wyoming

And if you really want to break it down, the Condomania cats even give us the top 20 cities for supersized schnitzels:

The Top U.S. Cities in Penis Size Measurement

  1. New Orleans
  2. Washington DC
  3. San Diego
  4. New York CityU.S. Cities and Penis Size
  5. Phoenix
  6. Portland
  7. Atlanta
  8. San Francisco
  9. Chicago
  10. St. Louis
  11. Seattle
  12. Miami
  13. Indianapolis
  14. Columbus
  15. Boston
  16. Denver
  17. Los Angeles
  18. Detroit
  19. Philadelphia
  20. Dallas/Ft. Worth

So there you have it, Stephanie: The boys of Arizona are indeed packing plenty of heat when it comes to the meat.

Also, in case anyone from Condomania is reading this: I don’t know anything about the batch of custom-made 4-inchers just ordered to the eSarcasm offices. But if you could send them in an unmarked box, that’d be fantastic.

Remember:

  The subject of size means the world to most guys
  So don’t let yourself laugh when you open their flies
  If large and in charge is what you desire
  Head to New Hampshire to seek out big wire.

Until next time,

Dr. Smartass






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Comments

  • dr92060

    What do you expect from Iowa? Don't get me wrong, I was born there, but got out young. I have hit many states between then and now, so I at least made it to the medium range, smart move on my part. In AZ now BTW, I figure it cant hurt. If you want to be sure before you unzip, do some grinding, it's a win win deal. If nothing pops up, bail!!!!

  • Ike

    WAIT! I am from Louisiana. We NEVER EVER rank above 50th on any good list. Are you sure your computer didn't reverse the results. Oh boy, if the large weenies really are in Wyoming and Dallas/Ft Worth you guys are going to really have egg on your face. Personally, I couldn't say whether you are right or wrong. Rulers, I am sure, would be looked upon with disdain in the men's room. At any rate, thank you for making poor LA feel good, even if our moment in the sun isn't as loooooooooong as we'd like. Smirkingly yours, Cajun Wannabe

  • Ike

    WAIT! I am from Louisiana. We NEVER EVER rank above 50th on any good list. Are you sure your computer didn't reverse the results. Oh boy, if the large weenies really are in Wyoming and Dallas/Ft Worth you guys are going to really have egg on your face. Personally, I couldn't say whether you are right or wrong. Rulers, I am sure, would be looked upon with disdain in the men's room. At any rate, thank you for making poor LA feel good, even if our moment in the sun isn't as loooooooooong as we'd like. Smirkingly yours, Cajun Wannabe