The State of the American Schlong
How do men measure up across America? Dr. Smartass details a rare study that breaks down the average size of the prize from state to state.
If there’s one thing my lady readers have told me about dating from the female perspective, it’s that you never quite know what to expect. Once you round past second base, you learn some guys are into really strange things — and other guys have really strange things. Or maybe just really small ones.
So is there any measure of how men size up from one state to the next? That’s exactly what inch-counting reader Stephanie wanted to know.
From my inbox:
Dear Dr. Smartass,
This is totally going to sound slutty, but screw it: Is there any data out there that shows which states have the most well-endowed guys? My girlfriend moved to Arizona and swears she’s seen more really big boys there than she ever saw here in Iowa. She doesn’t believe me that it’s probably just a coincidence. Help!
-Stephanie
Stephanie, your dear doc doesn’t typically spend much time studying other men’s members. But for you, my lovely lady, Dr. Smartass has secured some semi-scientific data to help demystify your friend’s oral report.
Believe it or not, it turns out your gal pal’s odds of encountering a giant-sized jackhammer may actually be greater in the great state of Arizona.
The crew from Condomania, a site that brags about being the first to break the Internet’s condom-selling cherry, recently released a sizeable study into its nationwide condom sales. Condomania, you see, sells size-specific rubbers: Gentlemen measure Mr. Happy, input an exact millimeter amount, and then get a custom-tailored condom made just for their chief of staff.
(Dr. Smartass’s tailor, incidentally, has never offered such outstanding services — though he did brush up a bit too close during a pants fitting one time.)
Now, Condomania’s chum chart is by no means a foolproof measure of the nation; after all, plenty of guys aren’t paying for millimeter-specific sheaths. But the data does take into account 27,000 men’s measurements over the past six years, so it’s nothing to shake a stick at.
“Unlike other studies in which participants were measuring their penis size solely for the sake of recording a measurement, and were perhaps more likely to exaggerate, our database is comprised of men looking for the best fit condom for safety and comfort, and thus, we believe, apt to be more accurate,” the company’s head honcho, who clearly values length in sentence composition, explains.
So without further adieu, here’s the long and the short of Condomania’s hard data:
The 50 U.S. States, in Order of Penis Size (Large to Small)
- New Hampshire
- Oregon
- New York
- Indiana
- Arizona
- Hawaii
- Louisiana
- Massachusetts
- Alabama
- Washington
- New Mexico
- California
- Arkansas
- Nevada
- Virginia
- Tennessee
- Illinois
- Oklahoma
- South Dakota
- Georgia
- Pennsylvania
- Mississippi
- Michigan
- Florida
- Rhode Island
- Kansas
- Maryland
- Minnesota
- Vermont
- Connecticut
- Wisconsin
- New Jersey
- North Dakota
- Idaho
- Texas
- Missouri
- Montana
- Ohio
- Nebraska
- Colorado
- Maine
- North Carolina
- Delaware
- South Carolina
- Kentucky
- West Virginia
- Alaska
- Iowa
- Utah
- Wyoming
And if you really want to break it down, the Condomania cats even give us the top 20 cities for supersized schnitzels:
The Top U.S. Cities in Penis Size Measurement
- New Orleans
- Washington DC
- San Diego
- New York City
- Phoenix
- Portland
- Atlanta
- San Francisco
- Chicago
- St. Louis
- Seattle
- Miami
- Indianapolis
- Columbus
- Boston
- Denver
- Los Angeles
- Detroit
- Philadelphia
- Dallas/Ft. Worth
So there you have it, Stephanie: The boys of Arizona are indeed packing plenty of heat when it comes to the meat.
Also, in case anyone from Condomania is reading this: I don’t know anything about the batch of custom-made 4-inchers just ordered to the eSarcasm offices. But if you could send them in an unmarked box, that’d be fantastic.
Remember:
The subject of size means the world to most guys
So don’t let yourself laugh when you open their flies
If large and in charge is what you desire
Head to New Hampshire to seek out big wire.
Until next time,
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