Rants In Our Pants

Steve Jobs’ Apple-Adobe Letter: A Bullshit-Free Translation

Boy oh boy, Steve Jobs is pissed. His Holiness recently posted a scathing letter about Apple and Flash. We ran it through our patented bullshit translation software to see what he really meant to say.

By (@JRRaphael)

April 29, 2010

Steve Jobs Apple-Adobe LetterDon’t look now, but the gloves are off and the claws are coming out in Cupertino.

Apple dictator CEO Steve Jobs published an approximately 5,000-page letter about Adobe on Apple.com this morning. In the letter, Jobs addresses criticism for his shunning of Adobe’s Flash on the iPhone and iPad. And he does it in a way that only Steve Jobs could.

Thankfully, we here at eSarcasm are in possession of a highly advanced translation tool, the patented Bullshit Translator 2.0 ™ (you may remember it from such previous occasions as the Apple iPhone 4.0 event and the Microsoft-Yahoo partnership announcement). We ran Steve Jobs’ entire Apple-Adobe letter through the system to see what the Turtlenecked One was really saying. Here’s what we found.

Translation

Translation #1: The Apple-Adobe Beginnings

From Steve Jobs’ letter:

“Apple has a long relationship with Adobe. In fact, we met Adobe’s founders when they were in their proverbial garage. Apple was their first big customer, adopting their Postscript language for our new Laserwriter printer. Apple invested in Adobe and owned around 20% of the company for many years.”

The Bullshit Translator 2.0 ™ interpretation:

“Adobe used to help Apple make money. Back when it focused primarily on then-Mac-centric software like Photoshop, we really needed Adobe in order to attract customers to our overpriced products.”

Translation

Translation #2: The Apple-Adobe Turning Point

From Steve Jobs’ letter:

“Since that golden era, the companies have grown apart. Apple went through its near death experience, and Adobe was drawn to the corporate market with their Acrobat products.”

The Bullshit Translator 2.0 ™ interpretation:

“Back in the mid-90s, when it was looking like Apple was totally fucked, Adobe stopped fellating us and instead started developing stuff for Windows. That pissed me off, and I’m never going to let it go.”

Translation

Translation #3: The Apple Adobe Ban

From Steve Jobs’ letter:

“Adobe has characterized our decision as being primarily business driven — they say we want to protect our App Store — but in reality it is based on technology issues.”

The Bullshit Translator 2.0 ™ interpretation:

“Adobe has characterized our decision as being primarily business driven, but they’re wrong. It’s also based on revenge, and control.”

Translation

Translation #4: The Apple “Open” Factor

From Steve Jobs’ letter:

“Adobe claims that we are a closed system, and that Flash is open, but in fact the opposite is true. Let me explain. … Adobe’s Flash products are 100% proprietary. They are only available from Adobe, and Adobe has sole authority as to their future enhancement, pricing, etc. While Adobe’s Flash products are widely available, this does not mean they are open, since they are controlled entirely by Adobe and available only from Adobe. By almost any definition, Flash is a closed system.”

The Bullshit Translator 2.0 ™ interpretation:

“I’m Steve fucking Jobs; Apple fanboys will believe anything I say. (Remember when I told the world that smartphone folders were amazing and revolutionary?) If I say Apple believes in open systems, people will repeat it — even if I then go on to criticize Adobe for doing exactly what we do.”

Translation

Translation #5: Apple’s Proprietary Process

From Steve Jobs’ letter:

“Apple has many proprietary products too. Though the operating system for the iPhone, iPod and iPad is proprietary, we strongly believe that all standards pertaining to the Web should be open.”

The Bullshit Translator 2.0 ™ interpretation:

“Apple restricts its customers in every possible way, because we can. Though we act like communists when it comes to controlling how people use our iPhone, iPod, and iPad, we strongly believe that other people shouldn’t do the same thing with any other technologies.”

Translation

Translation #6: When Apple is Open

From Steve Jobs’ letter:

“Apple even creates open standards for the Web. For example, Apple began with a small open source project and created WebKit, a complete open-source HTML5 rendering engine that is the heart of the Safari Web browser used in all our products. WebKit has been widely adopted. Google uses it for Android’s browser, Palm uses it, Nokia uses it, and RIM (Blackberry) has announced they will use it too. Almost every smartphone Web browser other than Microsoft’s uses WebKit.”

The Bullshit Translator 2.0 ™ interpretation:

“When being open is financially beneficial to Apple, we’ll do it. Almost every smartphone Web browser uses WebKit — but you can’t use most of them on our iPhone or iPad. Because we’re open. And our browser is is better; we know what’s best for you.”

Translation

Translation #7: Flash and Web Restrictions

From Steve Jobs’ letter:

“Adobe has repeatedly said that Apple mobile devices cannot access ‘the full Web’ because 75% of video on the Web is in Flash. What they don’t say is that almost all this video is also available in a more modern format, H.264, and viewable on iPhones, iPods and iPads.”

The Bullshit Translator 2.0 ™ interpretation:

“What I don’t say is that a lot of other content besides video is still Flash-based, and you won’t be able to access any of that on iPhones, iPods, or iPads.”

Translation

Translation #8: Apple’s Open, Remember?

From Steve Jobs’ letter:

“Another Adobe claim is that Apple devices cannot play Flash games. This is true. Fortunately, there are over 50,000 games and entertainment titles on the App Store, and many of them are free. There are more games and entertainment titles available for iPhone, iPod and iPad than for any other platform in the world.”

The Bullshit Translator 2.0 ™ interpretation:

“So to reiterate: We don’t like Adobe because it’s closed, and we’re open. Apple devices can’t play any Flash-based games from the Web, because those are closed. But they can play any of the games in our highly policed App Store, for which we frequently deny applications that conflict with our business interests. Like I said, we’re open.

Don’t like it? Just try fucking with us. We’ll have the police raid your ass before you can get the words ‘invalid warrant’ out of your proprietary mouth.”

(Image courtesy current.com)






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