iWant iPorn: 7 Adult-Themed Apps We’d Love to See

“Hottest Girls”? That’s nothing. We put Apple’s short-lived pornographic app to shame with our list of the best adult-themed iPhone programs you’ll probably never see.

By (@eSarcasm)

July 30, 2009

iPhone Porn AppsThe cell phone may never be the same — at least, not if we have anything to say about it. Ever since Apple briefly approved its first adult-themed app, our minds have been racing with salacious possibilities. Sure, “Hottest Girls” showed you photos of barenaked beauties. But so did that Penthouse you’ve had stashed under your mattress since 1994. Shouldn’t a gadget as powerful as the iPhone offer something more?

Behold, then, our wishlist: seven adult-themed apps we’d love to see. We’re willing to license any of these out to aspiring developers for the right price. They may not make it past Apple’s censors, but damn it — they should.

1. iAgra

Having a little trouble making a connection? Are your normally reliable apps loading just a bit slower than usual, or not at all? iAgra from StiffWorx adds wood to your iPhone experience, making your handset act just like it did when it was all new and perky. Works from 30 minutes to three hours after installation, depending on age of iPhone.

Note: Firmware upgrade may be required.


Ladies, set aside your favorite bedside toy: Once you’ve downloaded ViBRATE, your iPhone will be the only electronic partner you need. ViBRATE boosts your iPhone’s vibration power, allowing it to buzz at one of four selectable levels for as long as you desire.* The fun doesn’t stop with feeling, either: ViBRATE gives you visual stimulation as well. Customize the on-screen male anatomy to thrust as you move the phone around, or opt to enter TongueMode to get a real one-of-a-kind lashing.

*Duration of buzzing subject to iPhone battery capacity. In other words, you’d better be able to get there in about four minutes.

3. 1NiteStan

You know there are people out there as desperately horny as you are, but which ones are they? Take the mystery out of meaningless sex with this $5 app, which works directly with the iPhone 3GS’s built-in scent detector. Just set 1NiteStan’s dial to Male, Female, or Both, and it detects members of either gender with elevated levels of pheromones within 500 yards. The rest is up to you. Go get ’em, tiger.

Megan Fox iPhone

4. Should iMarry?

Let’s face it: People change over time, and that hot gal you’re dating at 22 may not look so sweet by 44. The Should iMarry app helps you get real before you get down on one knee. Just snap a photo of your lady and enter in some basic information (family history, health habits, fellatio frequency, etc). Within seconds, you’ll have realistic age-enhanced photos of how your woman will look in 10, 20, and 30 years. Breaking up is hard to do — but being married to an uggo is even harder. Now, thanks to Should iMarry, you won’t have to be!

5. He Measure

RulerHarness the power of Apple’s integrated GPS system to see how you measure up. He Measure will analyze your below-the-belt buddy to let you know what the girls were really thinking. Simply activate the program, then slowly move your iPhone from one end of Mr. Happy to the other. He Measure will return a precise numerical value (e.g. “Congratulations! It’s 1.253 inches!”), then — in the most titillating twist of all — let you see how you compare with other users in your area.

As a special bonus, if any of the other users are in your contacts list, you’ll have the option to call them directly using one quick screen swipe. Gloating (or expressing shame) has never been easier!

6. iHerpes

iHerpes brings the rush of unprotected sex into the palm of your hand. Navigate your way through a virtual club and scope out the girls inside. Look over their promiscuity stats and attractiveness levels to decide whom you want to pursue. Score points for scoring — the further you get, the more points you’ll rack up! Then, once the virtual deed is done, find out if you’ve contracted herpes (game over), or whether you get to keep your points and move on to the next round.

7. Celebr8

Paris Sex

You too can be an celebrity sex tape star – and you don’t even have to get your willy wet to do it. This innovative app uses face-recognition technology to automatically insert your sweaty contorted face into the sex video of your choosing, then “leaks” it to dozens of illicit sites across the Web. Impress your friends with full-motion videos of you porking Paris, boinking Britney, laying pipe with Leighton, and more. Female version with modules for Colin Farrell, Kid Rock, and R. Kelly sold separately.


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