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The 3.5-Inch Floppy Disk: An Exit Interview

In an exclusive interview, the soon-to-be-unemployed 3.5-inch floppy opens up about his past, his future, and the life of sex and drugs that overtook his old colleague 5.25.

By (@JRRaphael)

April 27, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

3.5-Inch Floppy Disk Exit InterviewBy now you’ve probably heard: Sony has sent the floppy disk packing. The 3.5-inch floppy was given his pink slip on Friday, making him the latest aging tech worker to be replaced by someone younger, quicker, and willing to accept a smaller paycheck.

The 3.5-inch floppy will officially leave Sony’s ranks early next year, when the company’s Japanese headquarters stops all of its floppy disk production. eSarcasm sat down to chat with the 3.5-inch floppy about his time on the job, his personal life, and what’s in store for his future.

e: First of all, thanks for joining us. After your many years of dedicated service, this news had to have been a big blow.

I’m not gonna lie — it was tough to hear. I mean, for Christ’s sake, I’ve been with Sony for three decades. I thought I was part of a family.

e: It’s an all-too-familiar feeling among veteran workers these days. Was there any writing on the wall leading up to this?

Oh, sure, the signs were all there. The office is full of these fresh-faced young whippersnappers — the ultraportable external hard drive, the USB flash drive, all walking around with their fancy connectors and shiny exteriors. And being so young, these new guys can carry around way more data than I’d ever be able to. It was only a matter of time.

e: How’s your old colleague, 5.25-inch floppy, doing lately? Was he able to handle the transition when he was let go some years back?

Man, 5.25 was a hell of a worker and a hell of a guy. But he took it rough. He went from being a superstar to being a nobody — and all the cheap jokes from hack tech writers sure didn’t help. Last time I saw him, 5.25 was huffing compressed air off some skanky modem’s serial port. Poor chap.

e: Damn…so sorry to hear that. So what’s in the cards for you once your Sony run’s over?

You know, brother, we’ll just have to see. I’ll take some time off, maybe look up a few of those dot matrix babes I used to bang in my younger years. Let me tell you, if you’re ever looking for a wild night, those printers have more holes than a fella knows what to do with.

e: Er — what?

Hey, I may be called a floppy, but 1.44 megs goes a long way. Those hard disks ain’t got nothin’ on me.

e: That’s, um, pretty disturbing. But glad to hear you’re in good spirits.

Hell yeah, man. Fuck those Sony suits — it’s time for ol’ 3.5 to have some fun. I’ve got my protection tab on, baby, and I’m ready to rock.

(Floppy disk portrait courtesy

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