Excuse Me, Sir — Is That a Cell Phone In Your Butt?
New security systems will soon be able to scan body orifices for hidden electronics. And you thought airport check-in was a pain in the ass now.
The days of cramming electronics into your orifices may soon be coming to an end. I know, I know — someone always has to go and ruin all of the fun. Fear not, though, frequent flyers: Backdoor-analyzing security isn’t actually coming to America’s airports just yet.
Rather, it’s the U.K. finding itself the butt of our jokes this week. Prison officials in Manchester have announced they’re installing a new kind of “Body Orifice Security Scanner” that’ll be able to detect cell phone signals buried deep within. The problem, it appears, is that prisoners have been smuggling their phones in past the metal gates. And apparently, they’re using their own rear entrances to do the dirty work.
The trouble all started when a 21-year-old convicted robber was found to be updating his Facebook profile from inside prison this week. The fella, of course, shouldn’t have had any form of Internet access, and security guards have been bending over backwards to figure out how he did.
That, then, is why the new “Body Orifice Security Scanner” is being introduced. The fact that the device has the acronym “BOSS” is just an added perk.
You’ve gotta hand it to ‘em, though: These guys aren’t messing around. Here in the States, the problem of prisoners using cell phones has become increasingly common in recent months. But our guards are only turning to electronics-sniffing dogs and signal-scrambling technology to try to stop it.
We can only assume it’s just a matter of time until the cell-phone-detecting BOSS finds its way into our great nation and eventually into our airports, coffee shops, and proctologist offices. We’ve already requested one for the eSarcasm headquarters, in fact. Not that we mind people bringing electronics into our offices — we just want to know that if we’re handed a cell phone, it’s safe to take the call.
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