Federally Funded Porn: An Idea Whose Time Has Come

How did Goldman Sachs, Lehman Brothers, and AIG bankrupt American investors and bring the country to the brink of economic collapse while earning billions of dollars in bonuses?

The answer is, as it is to many questions, contained in a single word: Porn.

It seems that instead of keeping rapacious investment bankers from turning our economy into their own private game of Monopoly, officials at the Security and Exchange Commission were fiddling with themselves while Wall Street burned.

According to a report by the SEC Inspector General’s office, 33 SEC execs were investigated for spending most of their work day trolling the neatly shaved dark underbelly of the Net. One senior attorney spent at least 8 hours each day seeking solitary refreshment (think of the billable hours!) while an agency accountant was found searching for sex some 16,000 times a month. Let us do the math for you: That’s roughly 800 searches over an average work day, or one every 36 seconds.

(Also found on SEC hard drives: “Derivatives Gone Wild” videos and photos of investors engaged in naked short selling.)

Representative Darrell Issa (R-Calif) harshly criticized the SEC for surfing porn instead of regulating Wall Street, then harshly criticized any attempts to regulate Wall Street.

But that’s not all. According to recent reports in the Washington Post:

* A National Park Service employee used his office computer over a two-year period to search for and view more than 3,400 sexually explicit images. Among them: A graphic series of photos revealing a three way between Woody Woodpecker, Rocket J. Squirrel, and Smokey The Bear.

* A National Science Foundation employee spent 331 days last year searching for porn and chatting with partially clad women on the Internet. His excuse? He was “just performing field research.” (That line doesn’t work for us either.)

* The chief judge of the U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals maintained his own personal cache of Net porn on a publically accessible Web page. These images included nude photos of women on all fours painted to look like cows.  At the time the site was discovered the judge was presiding over a case involving subsidies to the milk industry.*

It appears that when not attempting to embed socialism deeply into the very fabric of American society, government employees do what all most many of the rest of us do, all day, every day. 

Yet while thousands of well-paid bureaucrats practice their penismanship on the taxpayer’s dime, millions of our neediest citizens are unable to access the porn they require.

An eSarcasm study reveals that nearly 45 million Americans lack the ability to satisfy their desire to view smokin’ hot lesbian three ways, shaved or otherwise. For some, its because they can’t afford modern computers or high-speed Internet access. For others, it’s because they keep spelling it “pron.” 

No matter. At eSarcasm, we believe all Americans should have access to the quality and quality of flesh-rich resources available to federal officials. We hereby call for the call for Congress to pass the American Pornography Reinvestment Act — Wanton Sluts for Wankers, if you will – providing free access to XXX sites, videos, lubricants, and sufficient amounts of Kleenex for those who cannot afford to provide their own.

Let there be two girls with every cup and a FleshLight in every pocket.

If that can’t stimulate the economy, nothing will.

* It was actually an obscenity trial. But we like the cow joke better.

Uncle Sam poster courtesy of Sonoma Housing Bubble blog. Really.

Tweet




Get fresh geek humor delivered daily: RSS | E-Mail | Twitter | Widgets