Alternate Reality

Apple Gives Big Thumbs Up to iPorn

Adult stars emit tears of joy and other bodily fluids over decision to permit nudity in iPhone apps.

By (@tynanwrites)

June 25, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

167335-daveblog_appleporn2_originalThe porn industry breathed a collective sigh of relief today as Apple’s iPhone App Store approved the sale of Hottest Girls, the first officially sanctioned iPhone app to contain nudity.

Though Hottest Girls has always featured scantily clad beauties, the new iPhone 3.0-friendly version tosses their micro-thongs and push-up bras aside, letting them flutter gently to the thick shag carpeting next to their erotically undulating water beds.

“With the full-frontal release of Hottest Girls, iPhone users will discover for the first time that, unlike Barbie, real women do have nipples,” said Rock Nodules, president of the iPhone protest group, Nodules says he’s has been trying for months to convince Apple that adult content deserves the same treatment as the more than 50 apps that enable iPhone users to make farting noises with their handsets.

Dusty Oldwot, president of the Anti Phone-Porn League of Elderly Spinsters (APPLES), said Apple’s decision would open the floodgates to a tsunami of pocket porn, warping the sensibilities of younger iPhone users who would otherwise know nothing at all about sex.

Demand for handheld adult content has been rising since the App Store was first announced in March 2008, analysts say. The new App Store rules will almost certainly lead to a relentless pounding surge in adult content, followed by a wild uncontrollable release.

“I’ve been preparing for this moment ever since the iPhone appeared,” said a joyous Angus McDongle, owner of the Angus on Apple blog. “For years I’ve been practicing how to do everything on the iPhone with just one hand. Now all that hard work is finally about to pay off.”

UPDATE: Shortly after this article posted, Apple abruptly pulled out of the iPorn market. The Hottest Girls app, which went live on the App Store yesterday, is now “no longer available and was never really all that into you anyway,” according to published reports. “We are disappointed by Apple’s premature exit from the adult app market, and we hope for a speedy re-insertion of the Hottest Girl app, perhaps after Apple has had time to take a little nap,” LOPC founder Nodules said in an email to eSarcasm. “This happens to everyone at some time or another. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

UPDATE DEUX: As it turns out, Apple did not pull out of the iPorn market as reported yesterday by — who else? — TechCrunch, then picked up by virtually everyone else. Instead it was a case of downloadus interruptus, as developer Allen The Geek (yes, that’s his real name) pulled the app because demand was overloading his servers. We can understand losing the mood when thoughts of TechCrunch flood your brain; Arrington has the same effect on us too.

UPDATE TROIS: Oh, fuck it.

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