Alternate Reality

Apple Wants Its Damned 4G Phone Back

Our honeymoon with the iPhone 4G is over. Apple’s lawyers demand we return the prototype handset, found in a strip club last weekend. We’ve reluctantly agreed.

By (@tynanwrites)

April 20, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Well, we knew it had to happen eventually. Apple’s Army of Darkness rose up and demanded its phones back.

Yesterday, Gizmodo got a nasty gram demanding the return of Apple’s missing iPhone 4G, which was found on a barroom floor and sold to the site for $5,000. Today it was our turn. Apple’s attorneys sent us a letter asking for their iPhone, which we found entirely by accident in the G-string of a stripper known as Candy LaRue (on Tuesdays, anyway). Here’s the letter we received from General Counsel Bruce Sewell, written on Apple stationery but mysteriously attached to an email message (we’re still not sure how they did that):

We responded thusly:

Hey Bruce, How’s it hangin’?

Listen, we’d be happy to return the iPhone 4G you “lost” (wink wink) and we found. No problem. Only we have a few conditions first.

1. Apple reimburses our expenses in obtaining the iPhone, which works out to just over $67 in cocktails and lap dances. You can make the check payable to JR.

2. Apple agrees to replace Ms. LaRue’s G-string, which did not survive the struggle to free the 4G.

3. Apple writes a letter to the management of the Gentlemen’s Club where we found the iPhone, demanding that we be allowed back in. Please be sure to include Dr. Smartass and his parole officer in the text of the letter.

4. Apple agrees to invite us to at least one “special event” over the next three years. I mean, come on. Would it kill ya? We’re tired of sneaking in the back door dressed as bus boys.

5. Apple rescinds its decision to ban porn on the iPhone. As an alternative, however, we will accept three (3) nude photos of Marissa Mayer, preferably unshaven. We’re pretty sure Eric Schmidt has some you can borrow.

Finally, to verify that the handset in question was in fact an Apple prototype, we had to disassemble it. So if are willing to agree to all of the above terms and don’t mind us sending it back in baggies, I believe we have a deal.



We and Candy eagerly await their response.

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