How Bacon Can Save Your Love Life
When relationships get rocky, a little cured meat can go a long way. Dr. Smartass explains in this week’s reader Q&A.
In the world of love, my dear readers, time can do many things. It can deepen your connections; it can enrich your feelings. Or it can cause the target of your affections to become way, way less good-looking.
From my inbox:
Dear Dr. Smartass,
My friend’s girlfriend recently let herself go. My friend wants to buy her something that will distract others (and mainly himself) from that which flops over her jeans. What should I suggest?
-Neil
Neil, oh Neil, this is quite the conundrum. Your “friend” — let’s call him “Neil” — is stuck between a rock and a slightly-too-soft place. So what to do?
First of all, know that Neil’s not alone. A study published in the journal Obesity (which, by the way, is no lightweight publication) finds women who live with their lovers for at least a year have significantly higher risks of packing on the pounds. The guys don’t get off scot-free, either: Men living with their ladies have an expanded risk of expanded waistlines, too — by as much as 200 percent, the large-living experts at Obesity say.
Other studies have reached similar conclusions. Since our pal Neil seems to have reached that same fate himself, below are three foolproof ways for him to nip this nuisance in the bud (or butt, as the case may be). And yes, the last one involves fried pork products.
1. The Fix-Up
Statistically speaking, Neil probably isn’t sporting a McConaughey-style six-pack himself. He may just need to realign his standards with his own appearance; after all, we can’t all be strappingly distinguished doctors in smart-looking white coats.
2. The Cover-Up
Your trusty doc was recently chewing the fat with another fine member of the semilicensed medical community, Mr. Mann Landers (his fake Ph.D is still pending). Mann knows a thing or two about women, so I tossed the question his way to get some of his worldly insights.
His suggestion: Encourage a quick cover-up with a stylish new fanny pack.
“I realize people associate these with the late 80s or early 90s,” Mann says, “but the same can be said for skinny jeans and Chuck Taylors, and look at what the kids are wearing nowadays!”
Plus, Mann points out an added bonus: Unlike their more common purse cousins, fanny packs are hands-free. And we can all think of a few good uses for those unoccupied hands.
3. The Fry-Up
If you can’t fix the problem, avoid it — by turning your attention to bacon.
Nearly half of the people questioned in a recent survey said they’d pick bacon over sex. Granted, the survey was done in Canada. And it was conducted by a bacon company. But you don’t have to be a handsome online doctor to know that its conclusion is completely correct.
Now, the lifestyle of a celibate monk may not sound terribly appealing — so forget the celibate part and just add the bacon into your bedroom routine. Believe me, once you throw in mounds of freshly fried pork product, your desires will get so coated in grease that you won’t even think about anyone else’s belly.
Remember:
When your lover’s appearance takes a turn for the worse
Try hinting at things like a gym or waist-purse.
If they don’t succeed, don’t feel so forsaken
Just open your arms, and fill them with bacon.
Until next time,
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