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Baby, You AutoComplete Me

Steve Jobs is a bicycle. Sarah Palin killed Michael Jackson. People type weird shit into Google — and you need look no further than its Auto-Complete feature to get a glimpse.

By (@JRRaphael)

April 16, 2010

We humans are a strange, strange bunch.

Sure, a day at the DMV could have told you that. But thanks to Google, we’re gaining a whole new kind of insight into what goes on in our collective heads.

I’m talking specifically about Google AutoComplete — the little box of suggestions that pops up every time you type a search. In fractions of a second, AutoComplete weighs the world’s most popular search terms to try to figure out what you really want.

And apparently, that’s to sleep with your sister on a bed of buttermilk pancakes.

Behold, some of Google AutoComplete’s most entertaining and puzzling suggestions.

With all due respect, I’d much rather ride Marissa Mayer.

Tasty, sure — but how do you change the sheets?

A person who’s missing out on a delightfully soft bed, that’s what.

That depends: Is she Marissa Mayer?

It doesn’t; you’re thinking of Gloogle. And that’s just jibberish.

I must say, sir, I’m quite impressed with your typing skills.

Hey, nothing a few tissues can’t clean up.

I know. And a bit of a slut, too, if you ask me.

And you wonder why you can’t find a job.

Better than a bicycle, I suppose.

Ooh, is it Foxxxy Roxxxy? I knew she wasn’t on the pill…that lying whore.

I would think a spritely jig might be appropriate.

As long as it only fingers me, I guess I can live with that…

Seems about right.

Really? I prefer up and down, myself.

Good, because no one else wants to fork you after all that pooping back and forth you did.

Got me.

Done and done.

Yeah, seriously. I couldn’t agree more.

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  • grenzoa

    Here's the reason for the m&m breeding purposes one. Nice list; I laughed like crazy at ” i want to poop back and forth.”

    Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.

    Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them breaks and splinters. That is the “loser,” and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

    I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

    Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

    When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 07840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3×5 card reading, “Please use this M&M for breeding purposes.”

    This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this “grant money.” I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.

    There can be only one.

  • Hey! You ran this article before! You just changed the title and date! I'm guessing this means you guys are running out of ideas.


    • Either that, or our old ones tasted so good, we can't resist regurgitating them from time to time.

      Mmm… nothing like partially digested jokestuff.

      • Christopher Carmichael

        Nice save :D

  • Why does Google have 2 Ls is the funniest thing I've seen in a while. There really are people that stupid out there, and lots of them

    • Actually looking this up, Google did have two L’s in its logo for their eleventh birthday. The two l’s make up an 11.

  • Why does Google have 2 Ls is the funniest thing I've seen in a while. There really are people that stupid out there, and lots of them