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Baby, You AutoComplete Me

Steve Jobs is a bicycle. Sarah Palin killed Michael Jackson. People type weird shit into Google — and you need look no further than its Auto-Complete feature to get a glimpse.

By (@JRRaphael)

April 16, 2010

We humans are a strange, strange bunch.

Sure, a day at the DMV could have told you that. But thanks to Google, we’re gaining a whole new kind of insight into what goes on in our collective heads.

I’m talking specifically about Google AutoComplete — the little box of suggestions that pops up every time you type a search. In fractions of a second, AutoComplete weighs the world’s most popular search terms to try to figure out what you really want.

And apparently, that’s to sleep with your sister on a bed of buttermilk pancakes.

Behold, some of Google AutoComplete’s most entertaining and puzzling suggestions.

With all due respect, I’d much rather ride Marissa Mayer.

Tasty, sure — but how do you change the sheets?

A person who’s missing out on a delightfully soft bed, that’s what.

That depends: Is she Marissa Mayer?

It doesn’t; you’re thinking of Gloogle. And that’s just jibberish.

I must say, sir, I’m quite impressed with your typing skills.

Hey, nothing a few tissues can’t clean up.

I know. And a bit of a slut, too, if you ask me.

And you wonder why you can’t find a job.

Better than a bicycle, I suppose.

Ooh, is it Foxxxy Roxxxy? I knew she wasn’t on the pill…that lying whore.

I would think a spritely jig might be appropriate.

As long as it only fingers me, I guess I can live with that…

Seems about right.

Really? I prefer up and down, myself.

Good, because no one else wants to fork you after all that pooping back and forth you did.

Got me.

Done and done.

Yeah, seriously. I couldn’t agree more.

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