Formal Offer: We Would Like to Buy Palm

Palm, we’re feeling the urge to merge. And we hear you are, too.

The Web’s been a-buzzin’ with word that you’re putting yourself up for sale. (We tried that once when we hit rough times, too, but $10 per BJ only went so far.) So Palm, good pals, we want to take you under our wings and soar.

Now, we realize you haven’t formally put yourselves on the auction block just yet. And, to be quite frank, that’s probably for the best, as we don’t really have much in the way of cash monies to offer. (This highly legit-looking Web site says we’re worth $1,386. We’re not sure where they got that figure, but we’re pretty certain that’s about what we paid for the strippers at our last annual holiday bash. Weird coincidence.)

But Palm, you struggling sons-of-bitches, don’t you fret: We may not have financial assets, but we have plenty of other things. In exchange for your fine company, we’re willing to give you the following:

• Four seminude photos of Steve Ballmer. We can’t tell you how we got them, but we can assure you that they’re real.
• One Johnson & Johnson Eye Pad. It has limited functionality, mind you — but hey, so does Apple’s similar-sounding device. That hasn’t made it any less valuable, has it?
• Seventeen slightly repetitive stories about Steve Jobs. Mildly amusing quips included.
• Justin Bieber.
• The rights to the domains TwatFactory.com and ILikePotatoes.info. Don’t ask us why, but we own both.
• One coupon for a free Taco Bell Beefy 5-Layer Burrito, expired February 2006.
• A complimentary endorsement by a certain Mr. Jesus Christ. Trust us, we’ve got a connection.
• One green bathrobe, gently used.
• Two partially consumed bags of Oh Boy! Oberto Seasoned Turkey Jerky.
• One semilicensed fake doctor.
• Forty-six copyright-protected photos of scantily clad hot women.*
    *Copyrights not owned by us.

Palm, the ball’s in your court — and believe us, we’re ready to take our offer elsewhere.

So call us, sweet darlings. We’re waiting.

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