Alternate Reality

Steve Jobs: The Lost Emails

Apple’s dictator for life didn’t just start spewing out terse emails yesterday. He’s been doing it for years. Here, collected for the very first time, are the lost missives of the Jesus CEO.

By (@eSarcasm)

April 13, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

After years of Sphinx-like silence, broken only by ritualistic orgies celebrating new product releases, Steve Jobs has turned into quite the chatterbox.

Over the last few months, Zen-like emails have been emanating directly from His iPhone, usually in response to complaints from app developers. Like His response to developer The Tao Effect this past weekend:

We think John Gruber’s post is very insightful and not negative

Or this one:

We’ve been there before, and intermediate layers between the platform and the developer ultimately produces sub-standard apps and hinders the progress of the platform.

At 24 words, that sets an all time record for a Jobsian response, obliterating the previous mark of 13.

And, of course, the classic:

Change your apps name. Not that big of a deal.


In fact, Jobs has always been happy to respond in taciturn fashion to the emails of the Apple faithful. Due to problems with Apple’s servers, however, many of His terse replies had been lost — until now.

At great risk to our sources inside Apple, eSarcasm has managed to obtain some of the Great Man’s responses, which were found on an old backup tape tossed into the dumpsters at One Infinite Loop Drive.

Unfortunately, we were unable to recover the emails Jobs was responding to, so you’ll just have to figure out the context on your own. Here’s a sampling.

"Can you keep the backup donor alive a little longer? This new liver feels a little squishy."

"Schmidt called? Seriously? Send my body double."

"April’s going to be big. Make sure Gruber gets his monthly stipend early."

"Well if we can’t have Lyons killed, can we at least destroy his reputation?"

"Just ‘iPad.’ Period. One more fucking ‘alternate’ name suggestion and I’ll own your ass."

"Read my lips: plausible deniability. Like we did with the options thing. Get it done."

“I don’t care if Premier Wen Jiabao did recommend it, tell them no more starch in the turtleneck.”

“What part of ‘I’m Steve Jobs and I’ll make any rules about the app store I fucking feel like’ did you not understand?”

[Translation: "We are honored to do business in China and look forward to helping rid your country of disruptive elements."]

"I don’t understand how Woz keeps getting my private number. Change it again, please."

"I’m bored. Reject the next app that comes in. LOL"

"A beard, damn it. I need a fake beard."

"For the last time, no, I do not want to appear on Dancing With the Stars. Thank you and good day."

"Love your ideas, Hu. Let’s chat soon."

"Today’s tuna salad was outstanding. Can we patent that?"

"Told you, can’t type longer emails. Tiny keyboard too hard to use. Who designed this friggin’ thing anyway?"

Get fresh geek humor delivered daily: RSS | E-Mail | Twitter