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When Naked Cell Phone Pics Come Back to Haunt You

So you “forgot” to delete those risqué cell phone pics of your ex, and now your new girlfriend’s found them. What do you do?

By (@doctorsmartass)

April 12, 2010

Got a question for Dr. Smartass? E-mail doc [at] esarcasm.com.

Dr. SmartassDating these days, my dear readers, is a road filled with high-tech twists and turns. Whether it’s cleaning up your Facebook profile or figuring out proper cell phone protocol, there are plenty of tasks on a dating to-do list — and it doesn’t end once you’re in a relationship, either.

From my inbox:

Dear Dr. Smartass,

I’ve been with my girlfriend for about two months. I accidentally left my phone at her place the other night, and now I’m freaking out because I know I had a few nude pics from my last gf still saved on the phone. What are the odds she saw them, and what should I do?


Ben, you dirty devil, you. Who among us hasn’t held onto a provocative photo from an old fling?

Naked Cell Phone PicsStill, your concern is understandable; your current ladyfriend, after all, likely wouldn’t take well to seeing your previous lady’s lady parts. And if she thinks you’re still looking at those luscious bits — well, dear Ben, you may need those photos, as your new girl’s undergarments won’t be coming off for you anytime soon.

Some data released by the wise minds at Retrevo won’t do much to ease your fears. The company recently conducted a survey to see how many people had snooped on their significant others’ cell phones. When it came to unmarried couples under the age of 25, a full 38 percent of people said they’d poked around on their partner’s phone at least once. Worse yet, 10 percent of that crowd ended up breaking off the relationship as a result of what they found.

So what’s a befuddled fellow like Ben to do? Here are some suggestions:

  • Arrange to have a friend text the nudie pics of your ex to your current girlfriend’s phone. When she receives them and responds with disgust, tell her some pervert sent them to you too and you think it might be some kind of virus.
  • Edit the photos so they have your current girlfriend’s face on your ex-girlfriend’s body. Pull up the photos one day and tell her how much you’ve enjoyed them. When she bewilderedly asks you what the hell is going on, act confused and then pretend to pass out.
  • Naked Cell Phone PhotoEdit the photos so they have your face on your ex-girlfriend’s body. Sit your current girlfriend down for a serious talk. Explain to her how you underwent gender reassignment surgery a few months back, then show her the photos and thank her for being so understanding.
  • Download a bunch of photos of naked guys onto your phone. “Accidentally” leave the phone at your girlfriend’s house again. Once she sees all those schlongs, she’ll totally forget about what she found the last time.


  The images you store are never secure
  So keep your crotch shots somewhere that’s obscure.
  If you want your nude pics under key and tight lock
  I’m happy to help — just send ’em to Doc.

Until next time,

Dr. Smartass

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