Alternate Reality

Pink Different: What Microsoft Will Reveal Today

Microsoft’s big “Project Pink” announcement is coming. Is it a slew of groovy new cell phones? Yet another Web tablet? Or more Microsoft porn? We have a few theories. An eSarcasm exclusive.

By (@tynanwrites)

April 12, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Apple isn’t the only company that knows how to be cool. Just ask Microsoft.

Last week the Redmond Rotary Clubbers sent out their own cryptic invitation to a special event today, April 12. Most of the tech world is convinced Microsoft will finally reveal the secrets of “Project Pink,” the long rumored “Zune phone” that will totally change life as we know it. (Yes, again.)

We’re not convinced. In fact, while we do believe that Microsoft may reveal “Project Pink,” sources tell us it may not have anything at all to do with cell phones.

What will Microsoft be sharing later today? Here are some completely uninformed diabolically cunning theories:

* Microsoft is planning to introduce a dead simple Web tablet for under $200. They are now seeking a dubious OEM manufacturer to partner with.

* Microsoft is coming out with a line of high tech digital accessories with a Barbie theme. Yes, again.

* The company is announcing that “Bing” has been officially accepted as a verb in the Meriam Webster American English Dictionary, 13th edition. The infinitive “to Bing” will now mean “to shamelessly ape a market leader in the hopes of capturing an infinitesimal sliver of its traffic.”

* Pink is actually P!nk, the androgynous, randomly clothed American pop star. Microsoft is building a wryly amusing ad campaign around her, Bill Gates, and breakfast pastries.

* Steve Ballmer is coming out as a lesbian and joining Berkeley protest group Code Pink. Analysts question, however, whether he is butch enough to blend in.

* Actor Justin “I’m a Mac” DeLong will announce he has completed operating-system-preference reassignment surgery and is now “a PC.” In a brief statement, DeLong will reveal he’s always felt like a PC trapped in a Mac’s body, and that he likes taking it up the dookie chute.

* Two words: Microsoft porn. Their first production? “Two Geeks, One Cup.” The InterWebs will never be the same.

We’ll update this post later and let you know if we got it right.

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