Rants In Our Pants

Apple’s iPhone Event: A Bullshit-Free Translation

Apple unveiled its latest iPhone software update during a company event Thursday morning. We ran the announcement through our patented bullshit translation software to see what it was really all about.

By (@jr_raphael)

April 8, 2010

Apple iPhone EventApple has just changed the world yet again. Well, maybe.

Days after releasing its magical and revolutionary iPad, Apple stepped into the spotlight once more Thursday to take the wrappings off its iPhone 4.0 update. The event was filled with oohs, aahs, and more flowery language than you’d find at an International Gardeners’ Convention.

Beneath all the virtual roses, however, something smelled funny. So we broke out our patented Bullshit Translator 2.0 ™ technology to cut through the marketing jargon and get to the real story. After running Apple’s entire hour-long announcement through our system, we got back this hype-free, 62-word result:

The iPhone is getting a handful of features other phones have had for ages — basic things like multitasking, wallpapers, folders, and a unified inbox.

But because they’re now being done by Apple, these features are all “amazing,” “really wonderful,” “incredibly great” and “delightful.” Maybe even revolutionary.

Why? Because Steve Jobs just said so, that’s why.

Now applaud, damn it. And act impressed.

The iPhone 4.0 update, according to our translation software, will likely be followed by an overhyped and overpriced iPhone hardware update later this summer. It will provide an amazing, revolutionary, and really wonderful user experience.

(Steve Jobs Jesus image courtesy soulscode.com)






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Comments

  • ionos

    Well said! iHype is really getting under the skin, even though I own an iPhone.

  • http://www.lucadiana.net/blog Luca

    I really like your choice of photo, very appropriate. The Apple followers movement resembles nothing short of a religious zealots group.

    PS: The posting as guest does not work on Firefox, there's an animated Flash advertising inside this text box and nothing can be typed. I had to dust off IE8 to post here.

  • http://blog.mar.sg/ Mar

    This BullShit Translator 2.0 sounds real great. An hour long presentation in mere 62 words — It's a mystery why Google hasn't acquired it yet.

    And “because Steve Jobs said so” seems app, I mean apt.

  • Charley

    I'm just glad that Apple is finally moving forward.

    In all seriousness, I'm kinda pissed because my iPod Touch, which is only a year old, won't be able to take advantage of multitasking or several other 'new' functions. I'm not going to go out and buy new hardware every year.

    • The Pope… From TV

      And the car you bought last year didn't come with Bluetooth, but this year's model does! What are you supposed to buy a new car every year?! Why would a product manufacturer PURPOSELY make better products every year?! This is preposterous. You should call Chevy immediately and demand a free upgrade.

  • http://www.techcredo.com/random-tech/9-reasons-why-i-will-never-buy-a-product-from-apple Hal

    I'm really enjoying all the apposite Apple sarcasm on this site. I recently wrote an article called “9 Reasons Why I will Never Buy a Product from Apple”, and all those reasons have basically been brought up here, although in a slightly different manner… Kudos, keep it up!

    • The Pope… From TV

      Did your article mention how the iPhone 4.0 update includes front AND back-facing (5 MP still, 720p video) cameras, 960×640 resolution, and a larger battery… for only $200? I'm sure it did, because there's no way you're biased. It was definitely an objective report. Keep up the good work.

  • http://www.techcredo.com/random-tech/9-reasons-why-i-will-never-buy-a-product-from-apple Hal

    I'm really enjoying all the apposite Apple sarcasm on this site. I recently wrote an article called “9 Reasons Why I will Never Buy a Product from Apple”, and all those reasons have basically been brought up here, although in a slightly different manner… Kudos, keep it up!