Rants In Our Pants

Apple’s iPhone Event: A Bullshit-Free Translation

Apple unveiled its latest iPhone software update during a company event Thursday morning. We ran the announcement through our patented bullshit translation software to see what it was really all about.

By (@JRRaphael)

April 8, 2010

Apple iPhone EventApple has just changed the world yet again. Well, maybe.

Days after releasing its magical and revolutionary iPad, Apple stepped into the spotlight once more Thursday to take the wrappings off its iPhone 4.0 update. The event was filled with oohs, aahs, and more flowery language than you’d find at an International Gardeners’ Convention.

Beneath all the virtual roses, however, something smelled funny. So we broke out our patented Bullshit Translator 2.0 ™ technology to cut through the marketing jargon and get to the real story. After running Apple’s entire hour-long announcement through our system, we got back this hype-free, 62-word result:

The iPhone is getting a handful of features other phones have had for ages — basic things like multitasking, wallpapers, folders, and a unified inbox.

But because they’re now being done by Apple, these features are all “amazing,” “really wonderful,” “incredibly great” and “delightful.” Maybe even revolutionary.

Why? Because Steve Jobs just said so, that’s why.

Now applaud, damn it. And act impressed.

The iPhone 4.0 update, according to our translation software, will likely be followed by an overhyped and overpriced iPhone hardware update later this summer. It will provide an amazing, revolutionary, and really wonderful user experience.

(Steve Jobs Jesus image courtesy soulscode.com)

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