Alternate Reality

Eight iPad Apps We’d Like to See

Sure, there are a gazillion cool apps for Apple’s life-changing Web tablet. But can it automatically generate dirty sexting talk or display your own personal Jesus? We bet not.

By (@eSarcasm)

April 5, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Yes, we know: the iPad is the uber device. It allows you to walk on water. It will alleviate the heartbreak of psoriasis. It grows strong bodies in 12 ways. It can locate the Higgs boson “God particle” and determine the composition of dark matter. It even makes listening to Gilbert Gottfried tolerable.

However, the iPad doesn’t do everything — yet. That sentence alone would normally be enough to inspire Apple fanboys to show up at our offices with an uzi. Fortunately, they’re all too busy stroking their iPads and cooing. (“Who’s the cutest little iPad? It’s you. Yes you are! Yes you are!”)

That’s why we’ve come up with these eight apps that make the Wonder Tablet even more wonderful. Some poor coder shackled to a desk in an underground cavern is probably working on them right now.

JooJooPad: Now you can experience the groundbreaking JooJoo interface on the iPad. Though offering no real practical benefit, it does allow Apple fanboys to sneer and feel superior 24/7. (We know, they do that anyway. But this gives them an excuse.)

iSext: Simply swipe your finger across an on-screen body and iSext will translate your action into sexting-ready dirty talk. Now with built-in multitouch support for when one hand isn’t enough!

Scapegoat of the Day: So one of your key fundraisers just spent $2000 of donors’ money on simulated Lesbian sex shows, and now you need someone to blame? This app will randomly select from your Facebook, Twitter, and MySpace friends the person least likely to make a stink when she’s fingered.

The Douchinator: Takes any piece of solid writing and adds typos, questionable grammatical constructions, unverifiable “facts,” bombastic opinions, and veiled threats. Yes, you too can write just like Michael Arrington — no talent required!

iChalk: Simulates the look and feel of a real chalkboard. Use your finger to draw stunningly realistic chalk renderings on screen, or drag your fingernail across it to create that grating sound. Useful for diagramming basketball plays and torturing inmates.

iHJ: Not quite comfortable handling your lover’s loins? Download iHJ and utilize the iPad’s intuitive interface to practice. Also look for iHJ Steve Jobs Edition for the ultimate fanboy experience.

iPhone Emulator: Makes your iPad look and function exactly like an iPhone — complete with the inability to actually make a phone call.(Note: This app comes preinstalled on all iPads and cannot be disabled. Works only with AT&T voice and data plans.)

Jesus for iPad: Now you can have your own ghostly Christlike apparition appear on your iPad’s screen. Comes with a choice of backgrounds, including tortilla, shroud, or dog’s anus (right). Doggy-doo disposal bags not included. 

Photo of dog anus Jesus (how often do you get to say that?) courtesy of

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