Analysis: The iPhone Has Puberty Prejudice
Apple’s iPhone may not be as “equal opportunity” as it appears. Our exclusive investigation reveals a disturbing and rarely seen side of the device.
Teens have it rough: raging hormones, flaring acne, and more social anxiety than Larry David at a frat party. Now, it appears one of the world’s most popular pieces of mobile technology may also be out to get them.
Apple’s iPhone portrays itself as an indiscriminating and fun device. Beneath that app-filled surface, however, lies a world of hate. Hate for those with constantly cracking voices and the emergence of hair in exciting new places. Hate that’s remained hidden — until now.
iPhone Puberty Prejudice: The Investigation
eSarcasm has been monitoring reports of high-pitched noises being emitted from Apple’s new iPhone 3G S. Dozens of users report hearing a very high-frequency tone coming from their phones every time a sound file is played.
“Since some people can’t hear these types of high-pitched tones,” writes one blogger, “your iPhone might produce it, yet you’d never notice.”
You’d never notice — unless you are among the millions of people between the awkward ages of 13 and 19.
The SHOCKING Connection™
Our investigative team looked into these high-pitched frequencies and uncovered a SHOCKING Connection™. You know it has to be shocking, too — because this is an investigation, and we wrote the word “shocking” in all caps.
We discovered that similar high pitches are being emitted as part of a tactic to ward off teenagers in Japan. Tokyo park officials are experimenting with a device called The Mosquito, which sends out high-pitched tones at night to keep teens from coming into the area after hours and vandalizing the property.
“The device produces a high-pitch tone of around 17 kilohertz, which teens can hear but older people cannot,” a report by Reuters explains.
High-pitched tones, just like the ones emitted by the iPhone.
High-pitched tones of hate.
The Investigation Continues
That’s just the start of the scandalous side of the iPhone that our investigators have uncovered. In part two of our investigation, we reveal the video you’ll have to see to believe: undercover images showing the iPhone attacking senior citizens, mocking very pregnant women, and taunting albino babies.*
*Video may or may not have been created on our 15-year-old intern’s iMac.
This investigation brought to you by The Society for Unnecessary Sensationalism, Americans In Favor of the Illogical Connecting of Unrelated Facts, and the Oldest Living Microsoft Fanboy.
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