Alternate Reality

Steve Jobs Returns to Apple, Unveils New Bodily Organ

The iLiver is the first in a new line of digital devices designed to replace human tissue, ensure immortal revenue stream.

By (@tynanwrites)

June 24, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

jobs + liver croppedCUPERTINO, CA — In a hastily arranged “special event” this morning, the company co-founder announced his return as head of Apple Inc., along with a new product he has been secretly developing during his six-month medical leave.

The iLiver is the first in a line of fully digital bodily organs the Apple CEO says “will eventually enable immortality in our lifetimes – and our children’s lifetimes, and their children’s, and so on.”

Unlike the industrially designed iPod and iPhone, the iLiver will look and act much like an actual liver. In addition to filtering out toxins from the bloodstream, it will also be able to transmit white blood cell counts to your doctor via a built in transreceiver and capture full motion video. However, at launch the iLiver will be unable to copy and paste hormones between other organs.

The iLiver is the first in a line of anticipated products from Apple’s new Organ-IC division, which may also include the iPancreas, iKidneys, and iSpleen, according to analysts who did not attend the press conference but followed it via in somebody’s else’s live blog.

“Soon, there will no longer be a reason to wait years for a compatible donor to become available or to buy a house in the middle of fucking nowhere just because they have shorter waiting list,” Jobs did not actually say.

As usual, the Apple icon saved the best for last. With his signature “one more thing” flourish, Jobs unveiled a prototype of the iBalls, a pair of fully functioning testicles. The iBalls will be able to contain and deliver live sperm, provided users first sign a two-contract with SpermATTazoa Inc.

Pricing and availability were unavailable at press time.

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