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How About an App With That Crappuccino?

Starbucks sucks — and so do its iPhone apps. Here are 10 better ways for Apple fanboys to wake up and smell the overpriced, poorly roasted coffee.

By (@eSarcasm)

March 31, 2010

Starbucks iPhone AppsStarbucks is stepping up its game when it comes to the iPhone. The chain has just expanded the reach of its iPhone payment app, opening the door to phone-based beverage buying at any of its Target locations. That’s not all, either: A second Starbucks app lets you browse through the menu, find nearby locations, and discover new drinks right from your smartphone.

Blah, blah blah, blah blah blah blah. Who needs that crap? Here are 10 Starbucks iPhone apps we could really use.

1. DeVentiLater

Speak the name of the drink you want (“large coffee with skim milk”) and the app will translate into Starbucks’ patented MoronSpeak language (“venti nonfat caffe misto no whip for JR”).

2. MPSleaze

If you love that drippy music Starbucks has been paid to promote in its stores, you’ll love MPSleaze. Just click a button on your iPhone and it will download whatever you’re listening to as a ringtone ($3.99). Songs from especially annoying artists (Jack Johnson, The Ting Tings) may incur additional charges.

3. CostlyCoffee

A fun game for kids! See photos of different Starbucks drinks and try to guess how much dumb adults will actually pay for them.

4. Anti-Douchinator

Find the nearest Starbucks that isn’t currently populated with 20-something douchebags wearing hoodies and knit caps, loudly watching videos on their laptops and commenting on how “tight” their Caramel Macchiatos are.Starbucks Mermaid

5. StarBust

Use the iPhone’s touch technology to push the logo-bound mermaid’s locks aside and finally see that bodacious bosom. (FYI: They’re not real.)

6. BarNone

Think you have what it takes to make it as a Starbucks barista? This interactive self assessment will let you know – and if you do well, automatically forward your resume to Starbucks’ Seattle HQ. Sample questions include: Am I unable to make change without a calculator? Do I have an attitude problem? Do I look like I care?

7. Fat FactsBritney Spears Starbucks

Nutritional information about Starbucks’ healthy transfat-free beverages, such as the venti Mint Chocolaty Chip Frappuccino Blended Creme with chocolate whipped cream: 680 calories, 21 grams of fat, 93 grams of sugar. Hey, it won’t clog your arteries (even if it does plump up your ass).

8. Gagger Counter

Ever wonder what makes Starbucks’ baked goods so inedible? This Geiger-counter-style app gives you a readout of the radioactive isotopes, insect parts, and inert metals contained in every tasty morsel. You’ll never go there hungry again.

9. Locator/Creator

Using the iPhone’s GPS, detect the nearest Starbucks location. If it’s more than 72 seconds away, a new one will be built right where you’re standing. Watch your head!

10. Motivate This, Asshole

Generate your own lackluster motivational quote to be printed on your next Starbucks cup. Some suggestions, courtesy of the gang at Despair, Inc.:

  • You can do anything you set your mind to when you have vision, determination, and an endless supply of expendable labor.
  • There is no greater joy than soaring high on the wings of your dreams, except maybe the joy of watching a dreamer who has nowhere to land but in the ocean of reality.
  • If a cute saying on a coffee cup is all it takes to motivate you, you probably have a very easy job. The kind that robots will be doing soon.

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