Rants In Our Pants

Body Language 101: The True Meaning of the Steve Jobs/Eric Schmidt Coffee Clatch

Ever since Google CEO Schmidt and Apple dictator for life Jobs met for coffee last week, the InterWebs have been buzzing about what they said. Here’s the definitive interpretation.

By (@tynanwrites)

March 29, 2010

Last week the world learned that, yes, Steve Jobs and Eric Schmidt drink coffee. Sometimes they even do it at the same table. And that was enough to send the blogosphere round the bend speculating about what they might have said.

Apparently some passers by saw the pair at an upscale cafe in Silicon Valley, snapped some pix, and sent them to Gizmodo. Sadly, none of them brought along a unidirectional shotgun mike (we never leave home without ours) so we’ll never know exactly what these two men were talking about.

That didn’t stop Gizmodo from consulting body language expert Janine Driver from the Department of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms to suss out what the men were secretly feeling. (Because nothing makes us reveal our inner feelings more than drinking some hooch, dragging on a cancer stick and squeezing off a few rounds on our AK-47s.) She also looked at photos of both men in the past.

Her conclusion: The two men are 66.66% distrustful of one another, and Schmidt is scared of Jobs. 

We know: Not exactly useful. So we hired our own body language expert, Dr. Sumrabi Handjabi, to analyze the same pictures. Here’s what he came up with:

Handjabi: In this photo Eric Schmidt is clenching his butt cheeks because he has to let go of a room-clearing stinker. Steve Jobs knows this, so he’s torturing Eric by going on at length about his recent colon cleansing treatment.

Handjabi: Here Steve is saying "Don’t crush my fingers, you dimwit — can’t you see I’m dying?"

Handjabi: In this image, Kara Swisher (off camera to the left) is playing footsie with Steve, who is also being gently stroked on the left shoulder by Bill Gates. Steve is pondering whether he should fake an epileptic fit to get out of the inevitable invitation to a threesome.

Handjabi: Here Steve is clearly saying "Suck my dick, Mossberg, just like you did after the first iPhone announcement. But this time, take out your teeth."

His overall conclusion: Jobs and Schmidt are clearly lovers with problems. Jobs always has to be on top, and Schmidt is upset because Steve never offers a reach-around.

All images from Gizmodo (duh).






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Comments

  • Carwin

    This “piece” makes even humor attempts by sophomores seem absolutely brilliant. Please hire a humorist or other writer with something to say. The saying “Many a truth is spoken in jest” does NOT apply here. Alas. No Jest!!!

    • http://www.facebook.com/neil.naik Neil Naik

      Dude, chill. Just because you didn't find it funny, doesn't mean that everyone else didn't.

    • Merchy

      For someone so critical, you sure don't seem to check your own material. What exactly are “…attempts by sophomores”? You think second-year high-school or college students are humorous? Perhaps you are thinking of the word word, sophomoric, which is completely different from sophomore. And the saying, “Many a true word is spoken in jest” has nothing at all to do with this situation. It refers to the idea that “some truths, too painful or too likely to provoke, can be spoken only when the listener has been disarmed by laughter.”

      If you don't find it funny, that's just fine – to each his or her own. If you feel so compelled to stop and leave a snooty comment, you may want to keep a dictionary handy. Or try writing your own column so you can see that it's not always easy to be funny or please everyone.

    • http://www.esarcasm.com JR Raphael

      It's all good — patients of humor-bypass surgery frequently visit us. Their road to recovery is difficult, so we try to be understanding.

      • takezodunmer2005

        Heh,heh, now THAT was funny!

    • http://esarcasm.com dantynan

      we tried hiring a humorist once, but he kept walking around saying things like “many a truth is spoken in jest,” so we fired his pompous ass.

  • http://www.facebook.com/neil.naik Neil Naik

    Has anyone found it creepy that in the first picture, Steve Jobs can touch the ground with his crossed leg (which in most pictures is a bit feminine)?

    • http://esarcasm.com dantynan

      damn. you're right. I can't even get close to the ground when I do it. also, jobs' left ankle appears to be 12 inches long. I think more than just his liver is bionic.

  • Carwin

    This “piece” makes even humor attempts by sophomores seem absolutely brilliant. Please hire a humorist or other writer with something to say. The saying “Many a truth is spoken in jest” does NOT apply here. Alas. No Jest!!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/neil.naik Neil Naik

    Dude, chill. Just because you didn't find it funny, doesn't mean that everyone else didn't.

  • http://www.facebook.com/neil.naik Neil Naik

    Has anyone found it creepy that in the first picture, Steve Jobs can touch the ground with his crossed leg (which in most pictures is a bit feminine)?

  • Merchy

    For someone so critical, you sure don't seem to check your own material. What exactly are “…attempts by sophomores”? You think second-year high-school or college students are humorous? Perhaps you are thinking of the word word, sophomoric, which is completely different from sophomore. And the saying, “Many a true word is spoken in jest” has nothing at all to do with this situation. It refers to the idea that “some truths, too painful or too likely to provoke, can be spoken only when the listener has been disarmed by laughter.”

    If you don't find it funny, that's just fine – to each his or her own. If you feel so compelled to stop and leave a snooty comment, you may want to keep a dictionary handy. Or try writing your own column so you can see that it's not always easy to be funny or please everyone.

  • http://www.esarcasm.com JR Raphael

    It's all good — patients of humor-bypass surgery frequently visit us. Their road to recovery is difficult, so we try to be understanding.

  • http://esarcasm.com dantynan

    damn. you're right. I can't even get close to the ground when I do it. also, jobs' left ankle appears to be 12 inches long. I think more than just his liver is bionic.

  • http://esarcasm.com dantynan

    we tried hiring a humorist once, but he kept walking around saying things like “many a truth is spoken in jest,” so we fired his pompous ass.