Alternate Reality

Can’t Get a Date? Too Cheap for Hookers? Try GameCrush

This new Xbox Live service provides real live girls to game with for around $40 an hour. It’s not sex, but it’s close as most of these pathetic losers will come.

By (@tynanwrites)

March 24, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

We know. You’re a real ‘playa’. You’ve got hos and skeezers just crawling all over you. You get more ass than a proctologist.

But the moment you leave Xbox live and Grand Theft Auto, you’re just another unemployed 27-year-old virgin living in his parent’s garage.

Just how pathetic are you? GameCrush aims to find out.

For a fee, GameCrush promises to provide "PlayDates" with "hot girls" for you to game with, complete with two-way video and text chat. And by "hot girls," they of course mean 400-pound hairballs pretending to smokin’ 25 year olds.

You get two modes of play: flirty or dirty. (By the latter, they mean unwashed.) The cost? A mere $6.60 for 10 minutes of hot gamer chat. No refunds if you finish before the 10 minutes are up, Premie-boy.

The pricing is based on what it would cost a gamer to buy an actual girl a drink at a bar, if they ever left their Ultimate Video Gamer Chairs and talked to a woman who wasn’t their mother.

The PlayDate girls can make up to $30 an hour, so you know you’re getting the very cream of the Craigslist Ho crop. If the girls have harelips, Tom Selleck-like moustaches, or tentacles, however, you may qualify for a discount.

We spoke with early beta testers of the service, who universal in their enthusiasm.

"GameCrush is much hotter than ChatRoulette, and with way fewer erect penises." — NevrTouchdaWomen487

"It was just like having actual friends. At least, I think it was." — HaloRulz82

"I’ve got GameCrush, a colostomy bag, and Domino’s on speed dial. I know how I’ll be spending the next 17 years." — eNormusNorman

Apparently GameCrush has a hit on its hands. The company’s servers were overloaded with beta signup requests during the first five minutes they were online. Hey, everybody gets a little excited their first time. I’m sure they’ll be able to stay up much longer over time.






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