Use Facebook, Get an STD

Here’s a new one for you: Using Facebook could increase your risk of contracting syphilis, according to one scientist. And no, we aren’t making this up.

By (@JRRaphael)

March 24, 2010

Facebook SyphilisForget privacy violations — the real danger of social networking may be sexually transmitted diseases.

Facebook is linked to a surge in syphilis, if a study released this week is to be believed. Guess all that poking isn’t so innocent after all.

The study comes from a British scientist by the name of Peter Kelly. Kelly — who we assume is not experiencing a surge in new Facebook friends right now — says he noticed the number of people contracting syphilis skyrocketing in recent months. Upon further inspection, he concluded that most of the people had come down with the disease as an indirect result of Facebook.

And here you thought the Koobface virus was bad.

As the UK’s highly acclaimed shit rag news site The Sun calmly explains:

Sex Diseases Soaring Due to Facebook Romps

“Cases of syphilis have increased four-fold in Britain’s Facebook capital as users meet up for unprotected sex. …

“And an NHS trust chief said Facebook and similar sites were to blame for [the] shocking rise in cases of potentially-lethal syphilis in the region.”

Facebook SexThe “shocking” rise, according to Kelly, is happening because people are signing onto Facebook and meeting new pals. Pals they get naked and roll around with. Pals who happen to have syphilis. (You’d think they’d have the courtesy to list that in their “About Me” sections.)

As a result of this rapidly expanding InterWebbular health threat, eSarcasm is adopting new safety measures for everyone’s protection. Effective immediately, all visitors to this Web site are required to wear at least two condoms and/or a full-body latex suit (that’s for you, ladies). Lube is optional, but encouraged. And anyone who’s logged into Facebook within the past 48 hours must undergo a self-administered swab test; results should be posted in the comments section below.

Together, we can eradicate this shocking wave of eSyphilis once and for all.

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