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How Do You Define Sex?

Which intimate acts count as sex and which are just innocent drive-bys? Some of science’s foremost sexperts decided to search for the answer.

By (@doctorsmartass)

March 22, 2010

Got a question for Dr. Smartass? E-mail doc [at] esarcasm.com.

Dr. SmartassHaving sex may be relatively easy to do, my good readers, but defining it is seemingly not so simple.

It doesn’t take a scientist (or even a United States president) to realize that “doing it” can mean different things to different people. But some of science’s top researchers decided to investigate the issue anyway — and their findings come just in time for eSarcasm reader Rick.

From my inbox:

Dear Dr. Smartass,

My friends and I need you to resolve an argument: Is a girl who’s blown five guys still a virgin?


Your doc understands your uncertainty, Rick — after all, your female friend has had plenty of pené inside of her, even if not in the intercoursial sense.

The coitally curious crew from Indiana University’s Kinsey Institute sought to see whether people saw oral sex (and other intimate activities) as actual sex. They interviewed nearly 500 people ranging from age 18 all the way up to 96.

Oral Sex GirlSome of their findings:

  • 95 percent of people say regular ol’ intercourse constitutes having sex.

    The other 5 percent are the kind of sluts you definitely want to meet at a party.

  • 11 percent of people say intercourse doesn’t count as sex if the man’s cannon doesn’t fire.

    The survey didn’t ask what happens if it shoots off within the first 45 seconds.

  • 18 percent of men ages 65 and older say intercourse with a condom doesn’t count as sex.

    Dr. S is filing this one under “Future Excuses for the Missus.”

  • 80 percent of people say anal action is sex.

    Even if the fella doesn’t finish.

  • 70 percent of people believe oral sex is, in fact, sex.

    A sweeping majority, my virtual disciples — hope that’s not too tough to swallow.

  • So Rick, fine chap, there’s your answer: Your able-mouthed ladyfriend, according to popular definition, is 70 percent virgin. Given the confusing nature of that figure, I think it’s safe to say that it really sucks.


      When it comes to getting naughty and nude,
      You don’t have to worry about saying you’ve screwed.
      A rose may be a rose by any other name,
      But tapping an ass just isn’t the same.

    Until next time,

    Dr. Smartass

    (Popsicle girl image: dawsonmillersblog.com)

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