Rants In Our Pants

iPad Wizard

Apple’s control freakitude has reached new heights with the iPad. In fact, only deaf, dumb, and blind boys are allowed to work on the device. An eSarcasm musical exclusive.

By (@tynanwrites)

March 20, 2010

Apple’s obsession with secrecy and control is well known. But the iPad has pushed them completely over the brink. Per Bloomberg BusinessWeek:

Would-be testers of the tablet-style computer, due to be released Apr. 3, must promise to keep it isolated in a room with blacked-out windows, according to four people familiar with the more than 10-page pact that bars partners from disclosing information about the iPad.

To ensure that it can’t be removed, the iPad must also remain tethered to a fixed object, said the people, who asked not to be named because their plans for the iPad have not been made public. Apple (AAPL) won’t send out an iPad until potential partners send photographic evidence that they’ve complied.

So with apologies to Pete & Roger (and the late Keith and John)….

iPad Wizard

(Sung to the tune of Pinball Wizard)

Ever since I saw the iPad
I wanted to build apps
I sent emails to Apple
Got nothing back but crap
They said ‘we’d just be crazy
To risk a security lapse’
Only deaf dumb and blind kids
Can work on their iPads

He sits like a statue
Chained to the machine
Dressed just like Steve Jobs
Black turtleneck and jeans
And when the app is shipping
He won’t again be seen
Only deaf, dumb and blind kids
Can code for their iPads

He’s an iPad wizard
He has to be a fool
An iPad wizard
Just sit and watch him drool

What do you think he’s building?
I don’t know
We’re sure it’s not for Google

He ain’t go no distractions
No windows or no doors
He’s locked inside a secret vault
Under the ocean floor
They’ll keep him working night and day
Until he’s driven mad
That deaf, dumb and blind kid
Sure codes a mean iPad!

Thought I was the App Store coding king
But I just handed my iFart crown to him

When it comes to Apple
There is no fighting it
Don’t like their app store policies?
Then you can just eat shit
When millions of Apple fanboys
Worship a god named Jobs
Only deaf, dumb and blind kids
Will pay for an iPad

And now for the original:

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  • See me (no, wait, no camera)… feel me (no, wait, those tactile-keyboard rumors turned out to be wrong)…

  • See me (no, wait, no camera)… feel me (no, wait, those tactile-keyboard rumors turned out to be wrong)…