More Shocking Revelations in Viacom vs. Google

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Court documents have finally been unsealed in Viacom’s $1 billion copyright infringement suit against Google, and the revelations are astonishing.

It seems Viacom really wanted to hook up with YouTube. And when that haughty bitch wouldn’t return their texts, they got medieval.

Viacom has accused YouTube of deliberately stealing content to drive traffic. Worse, emails reveal that the site’s cofounders were just another bunch of prep school brats desperately trying to sound black. Per Fast Company:

In an April 23, 2005 email to YouTube cofounders Steve Chen and Chad Hurley, YouTube co-founder Jawed Karim wrote: "It’s all ’bout da videos, yo. We’ll be an excellent acquisition target once we’re huge."

For its part, Google accused Viacom executives of sneaking into Kinkos, logging on to computers there, and uploading ‘unauthorized’ Viacom videos. They apparently also walked off with a ton of Fed Ex labels and Post Its stuffed into their Chinos.

And that was just in the first four pages of the legal filings, which is as far as most bloggers got before they rushed to post their entirely derivative accounts of the affair.

Not us. We read the whole schmeer.* And you wouldn’t believe what we found. Here are some of the many nuggets buried therein.

* 87-year-old Viacom chief Sumner Redstone vowed to make YouTube his bitch and ride her like a Tijuana Donkey act.

* It seems someone was spiking his Viagra with blotter acid again.

* YouTube co-founder Steve Chen was still a virgin before Google bought his site and made him a gazillionaire. He got laid shortly thereafter.

* YouTube’s third co-founder, Jawed Karim, is totally pissed nobody remembers him. It’s all ’bout da personal branding, yo.

* For months after YouTube ditched Viacom for Google, Redstone would drunk dial their offices late at night, weeping and begging to be taken back.

* He also nicknamed his personal Fleshlight sex toy "Chad."

* To boost traffic, the three YouTube founders encouraged users to upload home-made porn — planning to use the same “oops, our bad” defense if they got caught. They even considered changing the name of the site to ScrewTube.

* This policy ended after Steve Chen uploaded a clip of Chad Hurley’s girlfriend waxing Jawed’s knob. Bro’s before ho’s, dude.

* Viacom employees used a variety of online handles to anonymously upload videos to YouTube, including LikesItRuff, ImNotWearingPants, and BigRed9inches. Actually those were all handles used by Sumner Redstone.

* Google’s Eric Schmidt and other top executives admitted YouTube was a den of video pirates, but since this didn’t technically qualify them as “evil” they decided to overlook it.

We don’t know about you, but we’re really looking forward to a nice protracted courtroom battle.

* OK, not really. But we read a lot of summaries.

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