Rants In Our Pants

America to Google: ‘Do Me, Do Me Hard’

Across the country, US cities are turning into raging sluts, trying to convice Google to lay some pipe in its trenches. Really people, find some self respect.

By (@tynanwrites)

March 12, 2010

Want Google to build a superfast broadband network in your town? It may cost you your reputation. No matter. Cities all across America are hiking up their skirts, dropping their knickers, and saying "Have your way with me, you big gorgeous hunk of search manliness."

Why, exactly, have America’s municipalities gone gaga for Google? It’s because the advertising giant has promised to build blazingly fast networks — for free — in a few select cities that demonstrate how much they really really want it.

Yes, that’s right: Google’s got a really fat pipe, and everyone wants a piece.

Here’s some of what America’s sluttiest cities are actually doing to get Google’s attention (note the use of the word "actually" — this is all true):

* Topeka, Kansas, is now Google, Kansas, for the month of March. Unfortunately, in every other way it will remain Topeka, Kansas.

* The city of Rancho Cucamonga, California, is thinking about renaming itself Rancho Googlemonga. (Their new motto: Our name may be stupid, but at least we don’t live in Topeka.)

* In Sarasota, Florida, a floating public park has been renamed "Google Island." Now, if they could only resurrect Mr. Roarke and Tattoo, they’d be onto something.

* Residents of Highlands Ranch, Colorado, are planning to form a human "We love Google" sign at a local football stadium. Which really tells you everything you need to know about Highlands Ranch, Colorado.

* Don Ness, mayor of Duluth, Minnesota, jumped into the icy 35-degree waters of Lake Superior. We’re not sure why this would impress Google, unless Ness was determined to show them just how blue his balls could get.

We applaud their efforts. And by "applaud" we mean ‘snicker at their pathetic attempts to curry favor with a corporate monolith’.

You want to impress Google, you need to give it something it actually wants. We have a few suggestions:

1. Answers to those maddening Google interview questions. They can’t all be that smart.

2. A ball gag for Steve Jobs. He’s become the company’s most visible critic, and his near-sainthood status makes him untouchable for Google to attack directly. Or you could sneak some Cheez Whiz into Jobs’ macrobiotic diet. That would cause even his bionic liver to reboot. 

3. Data, data, and more data. Google is to data what Oprah is to Oreos — it can’t possibly get enough. Turn over all your citizens’ public and private data, and Google will happily put its junk in your trunk.

4. Convince Conan to follow us on Twitter. We’ll be sure to put in a good word for you with Larry, Sergey, and Eric.

5. Free BJs and/or rub offs for all G-employees. Since many of Google’s engineers have never touched a member of the opposite sex, they’re certain to appreciate it, even if your technique is wanting. We bet even Topeka could pull that off.

Cool Google Slut Map courtesy of SiliconValley.com.

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