Rants In Our Pants

Dear Conan: Please Follow Us on Twitter

Available to a good celebrity home: slightly used geek humor portal. We’re spunky, adorable, and mostly housebroken. Take our Web site — please.

By (@tynanwrites)

March 12, 2010


Hey. It’s been a while. And by "a while," we mean forever. So it might seem a little strange for us to be writing you like this out of the blue. But please hear us out. We have a request, and it won’t cost you more than a mouse click.

We want you to follow us on Twitter.

See, that wasn’t too hard, was it?

We know that on March 5 you decided to randomly follow exactly one person on Twitter: 19-year-old Sarah Killen (@LovelyButton). And since that date, her life has been turned completely upside down. To wit:

* Her account went from three followers to 27,000 followers, almost overnight

* She’s been given a free iMac

* She’s received custom made shoes, a wedding dress, limo service, and wine for her nuptials next September — all for free.

* She’s raised $2600 for cancer research, without doing a damned thing

* She’s been interviewed by media outlets across the country

* She’s now a Twitter Celebrity. And unlike @juliaallison or Tila Tequila, she didn’t have to dress like a slut or sleep with anyone to get there

Granted, Sarah really is cute as a button (in fact, if she weren’t publicly engaged, we’d question your motives). Well, we’re not cute as buttons. We’d like to think we’re ruggedly handsome in a rangy/weathered kind of way, somewhere between Gary Busey and Mickey Rourke.

We’re also not 19 years old, about to get engaged, and have the rest of our lives ahead of us. We do however, really like peanut butter and gummy dinosaurs, if that helps. And vodka. That combination is killer. We call it a Skippy DinoTini. You should try it.

In the spirit of full disclosure, we feel it’s only fair to reveal a few of our dark secrets. We are potty mouths. (It’s the Tourettes — we can’t help it.) Our site has been deemed NSFW and banned by corporate censors. We have an unhealthy obsession with Google’s Marissa Mayer, as well as a habit of inserting pictures of scantily clad women into blog posts for no reason whatsoever.

We would of course be happy to change all of this, if you would only take us into your life. We could really use more followers and some free shi–err, stuff.

And if there’s truly only room for one followee in your heart, we understand. If the monkey’s Twitter account is available, we’d settle for that.

Won’t you please follow us? Don’t make us beg.

Unctuously yours,


Sarah Killen photo found at PopEater.

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