Rants In Our Pants

This Cell Phone Knows What You Did Last Night

If you think the geotracking technology of today is invasive, wait till you see the movement-tracking technology of tomorrow.

By (@JRRaphael)

July 5, 2010

Movement-Tracking Cell PhoneYour cell phone could soon know exactly what you did with your right hand last night.

Engineers at Japan’s KDDI phone corporation have announced a new kind of mobile technology that tracks “even the tiniest movement” of users, according to the BBC. Strapped to your wrist, it would log every tiny detail of your arm’s movement and beam it back to a centralized command center. And we both know how your arm was moving around 11 p.m. when “Co-Ed Confidental” came on Cinemax.

This thing isn’t actually designed to be a high-tech thwackin’-tracker, though: It’s being marketed as a tool for evil bosses to keep an eye on what (or whom) their employees are doing.

Per the BBC:

“The KDDI mobile phone strapped to a cleaning worker’s waist can tell the difference between actions performed such as scrubbing, sweeping, walking and even emptying a rubbish bin.”

The waist-strapped edition can also, we assume, identify precisely how many thrusts occurred before the cannon fired. (Sorry, minute-men; your secret’s out of the barrel.)

The best part, however, is the manufacturer’s response to questions over privacy. A KDDI exec is quoted as saying the following:

“This is not about curtailing employees’ rights to privacy. We’d rather like to think [of] our creation [as] more of a caring, mothering system rather than a Big Brother approach to watching over citizens.”

Right, buddy. And we’d rather like to think of the crap we took on your front lawn as a caring gift instead of a symbol of your product’s shittiness.

You’ve gotta hand it to ’em, though: These guys are shining when it comes to appropriate imagery. Their product, after all, involves strapping one on — and, metaphorically speaking, a whole lot of people are about to be bending over and taking it up the ass.

Get fresh geek humor delivered daily: RSS | E-Mail | Twitter