Yo, Who You Lookin’ at? You Lookin’ at Me?

Who are these people? Refugees from the National Directory of Registered Sex Offenders? Upstanding members of the federal government’s Witness Protection Program? Winners of the New York Post’s “most likely to appear in a police lineup” contest?

Why, no. They’re recipients of the latest, greatest, please-don’t-try-this-at-home-kids plastic surgery technique: The 3D Facelift.

Yes, you too can look criminally scary in three dimensions. Per the press release:

New York’s top celebrity facial plastic surgeon Dr. Sam Rizk, who is revolutionizing the field of aesthetic surgery with his NEW 3D Telescope Facelift; a new procedure resulting in a natural result with a rapid recovery and the smallest hidden scars. The new 3D Lift addresses the deeper tissue by going under the muscle sliding it backwards into its original youthful position in the cheekbones using a 3D high-def telescope, giving a more attractive, natural look than ever; AND it heals in just one week!…. A 3D high-def telescope allows Dr. Rizk to visualize face and neck structures from smaller hairline/ear incisions. Tissue Glues help to expedite the healing process and decrease bruising and swelling, while also creating definition along the jaw line and neck, without tightness and with no visible scarring.

Act now and you’ll also receive for no extra charge a Mr. Identity Change Kit (complete with fake beard), a copy of OJ Simpson’s If I Did It, and $10,000 in small, unmarked, slightly bloodstained bills. Order yours before you get subpoenaed!

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