TechSex

Introducing the Porn Detection Stick

If you think you’ve seen it all, get ready to meet the Porn Detection Stick — a 3-inch gadget that, despite all signs to the contrary, is not something we just made up.

By (@jr_raphael)

March 3, 2010

Need to find porn in a hurry? Look no further than the Porn Detection Stick, a new thumb-drive-sized device by a company called Paraben Sticks.

Porn Detection Stick

It may sound like a joke, but this thing is all too real. Per the Porn Detection Stick’s marketing material:

“Paraben’s Porn Detection Stick is a thumb drive device that will search through all the images on your computer, scan them for pornographic content, and create a report of suspected pornographic images. It even scans deleted images so there’s no hiding Internet activity.

“The Porn Detection Stick uses advanced image analyzing algorithms that categorize images as potentially harmful by identifying facial features, flesh tone colors, image back grounds, body part shapes, and more.”

So, if we understand correctly, this device can not only help us find all the porn saved to a hard drive, but also categorize it into convenient groupings. Judging from the list bolded in the description above, it ought to be able to separate out facials, Asian porn, outdoor action, and large-breasted lady porn (or possibly large-membered male porn, depending on your preference).

If all of that’s not enough, the Porn Detection Stick also features something called “negative curvature rejection.” According to the Web site, this option “eliminates objects with negative curves” — which, we assume, means it’ll weed out all the weird-looking dangles from your collection.*

Sheesh, is there anything the Porn Detection Stick can’t do? Add in an automatic Kleenex dispenser, goddammit, and we’ll order two right now.**

*Yes, we realize this product is actually designed to protect people against Internet porn, not help them more efficiently use it. But it’s a lot more fun if you interpret it the way we do.

**Also, if you’re thinking of buying one of these, you should probably reconsider. It costs $107.94 (with shipping). If you really want someone to find all the porn on your hard drive, just call us — we’ll do it for 20 bucks.






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