Alternate Reality

BREAKING: More Apple Patent Suits on the Way

After suing HTC over allegedly swiping bits of the iPhone’s gesture interface, Apple is taking aim at the cream of the technology crop – including Microsoft, Yahoo, and Google.

By (@tynanwrites)

March 3, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

This week Apple filed a patent intringement suit against Taiwanese handset maker HTC, alleging that it — err, swiped — Apple’s swipe technology. From now on, it seems anyone building a phone that lets you swipe, smear, flick, pinch, diddle, or otherwise finger their touchscreens may be subject to Apple’s wrath.

The patents Apple claims HTC has violated include:

  • Unlocking A Device By Performing Gestures On An Unlock Image
  • Touch Screen Device, Method, And Graphical User Interface For Determining Commands By Applying Heuristics
  • List Scrolling And Document Translation, Scaling, And Rotation On A Touch-Screen Display

….and others too boring to even think about. Really, just reading the 16-page complaint put us into a persistent vegetative state.

However, eSarcasm has learned that this is merely the first in a long series of suits Apple intends to bring against leading technology companies who have allegedly usurped gestures contained in Apple’s patent portfolio. Here is just a partial list of the parties Apple intends to sue:

Steve Ballmer

US Patent No. 8,762,345: Use of Tongue Gestures to Initiate Reboot Sequences

Microsoft says it developed its Tongue 2.0 technology – a key feature of the Windows Phone 7 Series’ Lick-n-Click interface — jointly with Gene Simmons of KISS. However, Apple claims its fanboys have been tonguing their units for nearly 10 years.

THIS PHANTOM TEXT IS NOT ACTUALLY HERE. IF YOU CAN SEE IT, THERE IS DEFINITELY SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOUR EYE SIGHT. …

Jerry Yang

US Patent No. 9,752,315: Method for Employing Hand Gestures to Grossly Exaggerate the Size of One’s Penis

Poor Jerry. He went from Internet demi-god to laughing stock in less than a year, and he’s trying to compensate. Still, we think the pinch-zoom gesture would be more accurate.

WE SUGGEST YOU SEEK IMMEDIATE MEDICAL ASSISTANCE.

Sergey Brin

US Patent No. 8,653,309: System and Method for Combining Coquettish Poses with Cross-Dressing in an Effort to Get Laid

Believe us, we get it. Even an ugly girl gets more action than a dweeby guy. But Apple has been holding its monthly “come as your favorite drag queen” parties since Woz first put on pumps. They’ve got prior art locked down.

REALLY, WE’RE NOT KIDDING. YOU COULD BE GOING BLIND.

Robert Scoble

US Patent No. 8,752,435: Hand Gestures Proving You Are in League With Satan

How else would a chubby guy with not much original to say gain Internet fame — and a cush job paying $300,000 a year — for doing virtually nothing? He’s got a friend downstairs. What he doesn’t know is that Satan is on Apple’s board. IT’S ALL THAT MASTURBATING, ISN’T IT. COME ON, FESS UP.

Michael Arrington

US Patent No. 5,722,875: The One-Finger Salute

The ultimate in gesture interfaces; in this case indicating the user has no talent for writing, editing, or managing, yet still controls a thriving Web publishing empire, so go fuck yourself.






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Comments

  • CRCarmichael

    WHAT!!!! IM GOING BLIND!!!!! call my eye doctor now!!! SHIT i cant read the phone book!!! Darn you spankwire!!! darn you!!!!!

  • http://empoprise-bi.blogspot.com/ John E. Bredehoft (Empoprises)

    Now we can enjoy eSarcasm on multiple levels. Will embedded audio be next?

  • http://esarcasm.com dantynan

    we're way ahead of you. see http://www.fotobabble.com/l/esarcasm

    cheers,

    dt