BREAKING: More Apple Patent Suits on the Way
After suing HTC over allegedly swiping bits of the iPhone’s gesture interface, Apple is taking aim at the cream of the technology crop – including Microsoft, Yahoo, and Google.
This week Apple filed a patent intringement suit against Taiwanese handset maker HTC, alleging that it — err, swiped — Apple’s swipe technology. From now on, it seems anyone building a phone that lets you swipe, smear, flick, pinch, diddle, or otherwise finger their touchscreens may be subject to Apple’s wrath.
The patents Apple claims HTC has violated include:
- Unlocking A Device By Performing Gestures On An Unlock Image
- Touch Screen Device, Method, And Graphical User Interface For Determining Commands By Applying Heuristics
- List Scrolling And Document Translation, Scaling, And Rotation On A Touch-Screen Display
….and others too boring to even think about. Really, just reading the 16-page complaint put us into a persistent vegetative state.
However, eSarcasm has learned that this is merely the first in a long series of suits Apple intends to bring against leading technology companies who have allegedly usurped gestures contained in Apple’s patent portfolio. Here is just a partial list of the parties Apple intends to sue:
Steve Ballmer
US Patent No. 8,762,345: Use of Tongue Gestures to Initiate Reboot Sequences
Microsoft says it developed its Tongue 2.0 technology – a key feature of the Windows Phone 7 Series’ Lick-n-Click interface — jointly with Gene Simmons of KISS. However, Apple claims its fanboys have been tonguing their units for nearly 10 years.
THIS PHANTOM TEXT IS NOT ACTUALLY HERE. IF YOU CAN SEE IT, THERE IS DEFINITELY SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOUR EYE SIGHT. …
Jerry Yang
US Patent No. 9,752,315: Method for Employing Hand Gestures to Grossly Exaggerate the Size of One’s Penis
Poor Jerry. He went from Internet demi-god to laughing stock in less than a year, and he’s trying to compensate. Still, we think the pinch-zoom gesture would be more accurate.
WE SUGGEST YOU SEEK IMMEDIATE MEDICAL ASSISTANCE.
Sergey Brin
US Patent No. 8,653,309: System and Method for Combining Coquettish Poses with Cross-Dressing in an Effort to Get Laid
Believe us, we get it. Even an ugly girl gets more action than a dweeby guy. But Apple has been holding its monthly “come as your favorite drag queen” parties since Woz first put on pumps. They’ve got prior art locked down.
REALLY, WE’RE NOT KIDDING. YOU COULD BE GOING BLIND.
Robert Scoble
US Patent No. 8,752,435: Hand Gestures Proving You Are in League With Satan
How else would a chubby guy with not much original to say gain Internet fame — and a cush job paying $300,000 a year — for doing virtually nothing? He’s got a friend downstairs. What he doesn’t know is that Satan is on Apple’s board. IT’S ALL THAT MASTURBATING, ISN’T IT. COME ON, FESS UP.
Michael Arrington
US Patent No. 5,722,875: The One-Finger Salute
The ultimate in gesture interfaces; in this case indicating the user has no talent for writing, editing, or managing, yet still controls a thriving Web publishing empire, so go fuck yourself.
Keep up with Dan Tynan on Twitter (@tynan_on_tech) or via dantynan.com.
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