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How Sluts are Saving the Species

The next time you see a girl in a tight shirt and short skirt, you should stop and say thank you — but not for the reason you might expect. Dr. Smartass explains.

By (@doctorsmartass)

March 1, 2010

Got a question for Dr. Smartass? E-mail doc [at] esarcasm.com.

Dr. SmartassSluts, my dear readers, mean many things to many people. To some, they represent empty-headed wastes of space; to others, they represent limitless potentials for pleasure.

But what about in the world of science? It turns out sluts might actually be more important than you’d think.

From my inbox:

Dear Dr. Smartass,

I get called a prude sometimes, even though I’ve slept with several guys and am far from it. So what I’m wondering is, why are so many girls such sluts? It makes those of us who are normal look bad.


First of all, Jamie, if you need someone to make you feel better about your nonprudish status, your virtual doc is always available. For emotional counseling, of course. During late-night hours.

Hot SlutBut back to your question: As you may have suspected from the start of this story, there is in fact a scientific explanation for the value of the common slut. (Gentlemen, prepare to celebrate.)

Some recent research from the Universities of Exeter and Liverpool found promiscuous females actually reduce the risk of a species becoming extinct. See? Wearing a tiny skirt with no panties is actually just a girl’s way of doing her part for Mother Nature.

Ladies who sleep around, according to the study, help play the probability game by ensuring there’s an equal number of male and female offspring being born. The less the gals put out, the higher the odds that only female babies will be born — and that, of course, would create reproductive problems for future generations.

The scientists tested the theory by isolating a group of fruit flies and ensuring each female had only one sexual partner. Sure enough, after 15 generations, nearly half of the monogamous group became extinct, having only females left in their populations. The normal (slutty) groups, in comparison, continued to thrive and prosper.

The reason is actually because of a “sex-ratio distortion” chromosome that causes the male-making sperm to die out before reaching the egg. The more the females screw, the more likely they are to score with someone whose seed won’t be strewn with this sex-restricting quality.

But the ins and outs of science aside, my darling Jamie, the answer you seek is simple: Sluts are doing a service for us all. And that service goes far beyond that one raunchy act they let us get away with last night.


  Sluts’ willingness to do any guy
  Is keeping us from starting to die.
  They may not be the brightest girls,
  But they always wear necklaces of pearls.

Until next time,

Dr. Smartass

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