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eSarcasm’s Tech Lingo Translation Guide

Think you know tech lingo? You’re probably wrong. From “social media expert” to “pwning a n00b,” our superaccurate translation machine reveals the real meaning of all your favorite tech phrases.

By (@jr_raphael)

February 25, 2010

Tech LingoToday’s tech lingo is full of foreign-sounding phrases. Whether it’s ASL, SEO, or w00t, keeping up with the Web-driven vernacular can feel like a full-time job.

Don’t beat yourself up, though: It turns out even the people creating the phrases don’t always know what they really mean. We ran 20 of tech’s most frequently used terms through an incredibly expensive translation machine to uncover their true definitions. Suddenly, they all make a lot more sense.

Here’s our official tech lingo translation guide. Let the learning begin.

Social Media Expert

An unemployed and unskilled ass-hat. Usually seen on Twitter discussing his or her “social media expertise.”

ASL

A phrase frequently used in online chat rooms. Roughly translates to “I’m an overweight 45-year-old posing as a teenage girl.”

Cyber

Abbreviation for “cybersex,” or “engaging in dirty talk with an overweight 45-year-old posing as a teenage girl.”

Bing

A verb that’s never been utilized outside of marketing; believed to mean “to use a subpar search engine.”

Tweeple

Collective noun used to describe anyone dumb enough to follow a social media expert on Twitter.

Bandwidth

The size of a lady’s breasts (e.g. “Holy shit, did you see how much bandwidth she was packing?”)

Dongle

A gentleman’s hardware (e.g. “Girl, he ain’t gettin’ nowhere near my bandwidth with that tiny dongle”)

3G

A designation used by cellular companies to mislead you about their data network speeds.

TOS

A highly complex document authorizing a Web service to rape your privacy.

Forum Moderator

The same guy who was once a hall monitor in junior high.

Troll

An online slur employed by people who possess no real-life social skills.

SEO

The equivalent of performing oral sex on Google.

Trending Topic

A term generally used to describe dumb shit you should avoid reading.

Bot

Synonym for “Guy Kawasaki.”

w00t

An exclamation seen in both online forums and social media services. Rough translation: “I’ve never touched a real woman.”

Avatar

A small thumbnail-sized image used to make yourself look way better-looking than you actually are.

Beta

A term used indiscriminately on all Google products in order to skirt responsibility for failures.

Pwn

To masturbate vigorously to someone else’s image (e.g. “Dude, I totally pwned that n00b in the forums”).

Direct Message

A way to send spam on social networks.

Tweetup

An in-person support meeting for people who have never engaged in any form of sexual congress.*
*Aside from pwning.

(Images: resulta.wordpress.com and wildliferanger.co.uk)






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