Alternate Reality

Please Rob This: 10 More Sites That Say ‘Hurt Me’

Please Rob Me lets the world know when you’ve left your home untended. But why stop there? These 10 sites will tell everyone exactly how to own your ass (politely, of course).

By (@tynanwrites)

February 22, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Leaving town on an extended trip? Be sure to leave your doors and windows unlocked, let the newspapers pile up on the front step, and tell the world that you’re not home via Twitter, Foursquare, or Google Latitude.

Please Rob Me will be happy to gather up your location info from these geo-sharing services and broadcast it in an easily accessible twit stream — perfect for aspiring cat burglars and other B&E artists.

Of course, Please Rob Me is trying to make a point: Don’t be so damned stupid about sharing your location information. But we think they’re onto something. Thanks to social media, we’ve entered the golden age of self-inflicted victimhood. A tweet here, an update there, and voila – we’ve totally fucked ourselves.

It’s a growth industry. In fact, we foresee a whole slew of sites for would-be Web victims — well, at least 10 of them:

1. Please Watch Me While I Take a Shower: This site is especially for the students in the Lower Merion School District who truly enjoy sharing every aspect of their lives via Web cam.

2. Please Meet Your New Cell Mate, Tiny: This one’s for the Merion school admins who’ve been watching those underage hotties prance around in their undies.

3. Please Pay Attention to Everything I Say, No Matter How Hopelessly Inane: Yes, we already have a site for this (it’s called Twitter). Still, we think Julia Allison, Ashton Kutcher, and Tila Tequila deserve a home of their own.

4. Please Unplug Your Brain & Do Everything We Tell You: Apple fanboys, this site’s for you. And if you’re really really compliant, we’ll also tell you what apps you can’t use because (horrors) actual female flesh is revealed.

5. Please Reboot: Finally, a site any Microsoft Fanboy could call home.

6. Please Remove Your Pants: Is there any mystery why this is already the favorite site of both John Mayer and Tiger Woods?

7. Please Know That Resistance Is Futile: Otherwise known as Google.com (but in a totally non-evil-yet-obscenely-profitable way).

8. Please Pity Me: This site is for people who are forced through a lack of alternate employment options to work for Michael Arrington. (We have that information from normally reliable second-hand anonymous sources, so it must be true.)

9. Please Understand That Even Talking to You Is An Incredible Waste of My Time. Surely that upcoming Steve Jobs biography needs a Web site.

10. Please Drain My Bank Account Each Month While Providing Criminally Inept Service & Rude Customer Support. Thank you for visiting the new AT&T.com. Have an unpleasant day.






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