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Apple Bans Itself From App Store

In a never-before-seen move, Apple has just banned itself from its own App Store. “We have determined this company is no longer appropriate,” a notification says.

By (@jr_raphael)

February 19, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Apple App Store BanApple has just banned itself from its own App Store, eSarcasm has learned.

The move comes just hours after word broke that the notoriously controlling company had started removing all sex-related content from its prestigious App Store shelves. According to online blogs, several suggestive apps have become unavailable in recent days. At least one developer reportedly received a notification that his app — a flesh-jiggling jolly called Wobble iBoobs — had been removed due to a change in guidelines.

“Critics call our restrictions censorship and say we are impeding upon users’ freedom, but they simply don’t understand how our culture works,” a statement from Apple explains.

Oh, wait — wrong statement. That one was from China. Our bad.

Explanations aside, with every app featuring boobies, the word “Android,” or practically anything about Google now gone from the store, tipsters tell eSarcasm Apple’s review committee has taken the unusual step of telling itself to get out, too.

“After carefully observing Apple’s increasingly totalitarian tactics, we have determined this company is no longer appropriate,” a notification sent early this morning stated.

Apple insiders believe the banning was a result of a rogue employee who will be promptly put down an internal malfunction. They expect the rejection to be lifted later today.






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