Alternate Reality

Nearly Naked Hotties Named as Notebook Nabbers

A school district in Pennsylvania is using students’ Web cams to spy on them at home — uncovering a ring of semi-nude teenage laptop thieves.

By (@tynanwrites)

February 19, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Parents in Southeastern Pennsylvania are suing the Lower Merion School District after they discovered school officials had installed software on students’ laptops that let them secretly activate their webcams and spy on them at home.

School officials admitted to installing the software, but claim it was used solely to track missing or stolen laptops — even though the spying came to light only after a high school junior was disciplined for “inappropriate behavior” at home, with a Web cam snapshot used as proof.

eSarcasm has obtained shots taken by the student Web cams. After hours of careful study, we can confirm the affluent school district is under siege by a ring of nubile notebook nabbers, all of them young women between the ages of 14 and 17, including a disproportionate number of cheerleaders and prom queens.

“We call it the 3S problem: Stealing, stripping, and sexting,” said one school official who goes only by the name Mr. Largepants. “They’re inextricably intertwined. Very often, the first thing a thief will do after stealing a laptop is strip down to her undies and perform a sultry dance, followed by some hot chat.”

The problem is so acute, says the official, that school administrators were forced to keep watch on the students’ webcams 24/7, in rotating 8-hour shifts. They even had to institute a lottery system to determine who was assigned the coveted 11 pm to 7 am slot.

“It’s a huge problem and it’s never, ever going to stop,” said the official. “At least, not until we retire.”

He added that the students involved in the thefts have been put on probation pending further disciplinary action, and that the Web cam photos are going on their permanent records.

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  • Fabulous article!
    Original story was horrifying so kudo's for making me smile with this one!
    Made my day! :-)

  • Fabulous article!
    Original story was horrifying so kudo's for making me smile with this one!
    Made my day! :-)