Alternate Reality

Leaked Secrets From the Steve Jobs Biography

Steve Jobs is working on his first official biography, and only eSarcasm has a sneak peek at the shocking secrets the book will reveal.

By (@eSarcasm)

April 11, 2011

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Steve Jobs BiographyApple’s international man of mystery is finally ready to drop his drawers and display the full monty. Figuratively speaking, at least.

Steve Jobs is officially preparing to release the first-ever authorized account of his life. The biography, entitled iSteve: The Book of Jobs (yes, seriously) is being co-written by former Time magazine editor Walter Isaacson. It’s scheduled to be released in early 2012.

The news, as you can imagine, has Apple fanboys around the world fully engorged with excitement. Until now, Jobs has remained notoriously tight-lipped about his personal and professional life, shedding few details and throwing full-on shit fits anytime anyone else has managed to dig up dirt.

So what kind of secrets could an official Steve Jobs biography divulge? Lucky for you, eSarcasm has obtained a copy of Jobs’ own notes for the book.* Amidst the many pencil-drawn sketches of Bill Gates performing fellatio on a donkey, we discovered the following 15 little known facts about Apple’s main man:

  1. When Steve Jobs got that new liver installed back in ’09, he also got *ahem* upgraded somewhere further south. How else to explain his sudden obsession with screen size?
  2. Jobs had a brief but passionate affair with Kate Gosselin. He’s responsible for three of the “plus eight,” though Gosselin refused his demands to name them iCara, iHannah, and iCollin.
  3. There is no Steve Jobs; that’s just Chinese President Hu Jintao with a lot of makeup and a fake beard.
  4. Steve Jobs personally approves every design change to every Apple product, no matter how miniscule. He also knows when every single Apple employee takes a dump and how many pieces of toilet paper they use.
  5. Jobs’ parents were poor apple farmers from the nation of Turkey. He almost named his company Turkey, but went with Apple after legal threats from Butterball.
  6. The term “iPod Mini” comes from a nickname bestowed upon Jobs following his first shower in high school gym class.
  7. Back in the swinging ’70s Jobs had a brief but tumultuous affair with Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak. It ended the moment Woz tried to climb on top.
  8. After being ousted from Apple in 1985, Jobs spent the next six months in his bedroom eating nothing but cheese doodles and drinking Mr. Pibb.
  9. Steve Jobs once sued the makers of “American Idol” for trademark infringement. He wanted them to change the name of the show to “American Dol.”
  10. Jobs struggled for months to come up with the precise wording for his trademark phrase, “One more thing.” Among the final contenders: “Now for something completely different,” “This really ought to piss Bill Gates off,” and “Holy shit, I almost totally forgot.”
  11. In 1993 Jobs hired two Eastern European hackers to infiltrate the Newton development team and introduce Cyrillic characters into its handwriting recognition software, causing the device to fail in the marketplace.
  12. Beloved Pixar character Buzz Lightyear is based loosely on Steve Jobs. The key differences? Jobs’ death ray laser is real, and he actually can fly.
  13. Jobs is a sexually compulsive sadist. Why else do you think he’d create ridiculous restrictions that he knows his fanboys will happily accept?
  14. Before deciding on his black-turtleneck-and-Levi’s-501 ensemble, Jobs toyed with several other potential outfits. Among them: an orange sweater and pink tutu; a wife beater and Daisy Dukes; and a polka-dotted thong swimsuit.
  15. The real Steve Jobs moved to a secure bunker near Bora Bora 12 years ago. This guy’s just a lookalike decoy.

*Disclaimer: We think these were Jobs’ original notes. But they also might have been a couple of used napkins from that potluck lunch we had last week. Hard to say for sure.

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