Alternate Reality

15 Ways Windows Phone 7 Will Change Life as We Know It

Microsoft’s new phone is a life-changing, underwear-modifying sensation. Discover just how it will change everything we know, think, and do. An eSarcasm exclusive.

By (@eSarcasm)

October 11, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

This week Microsoft stunned the world by unveiling a product that, so far at least, people actually seem to like.

At last spring’s Mobile World Congress in Barcelona, Steve Ballmer proudly opened his kimono and flashed us the successor to Windows Mobile 6.5, the cunningly named Windows Phone 7 Series (Ultimate Vista Business Edition Service Pack 1.1A). Today, Microsoft’s sweaty/pudgy Yoda unveiled the phone itself, which will be available in nine models from four handset manufacturers worldwide.

What’s different about WinPho7? They like it, they really like it.

Engadget calls it "exciting" and "striking." PC Mag calls it "pretty amazing."

PC World’s Ian Paul declares that Microsoft’s "got its groove back," though we’re pretty sure he just borrowed that from someone else.

But Gizmodo’s Matt Buchanan wins the prize for pure BVD-soiling hyperbole:

… there’s an incredible sense of joie de vivre that’s just not in any other phone. … I’ll admit, I very nearly needed to change my pants when I saw the Xbox tile on the phone for the first time.

Yes, WinPho7 is game changer. Maybe a life changer. Certainly an underwear changer. It might even cause a warp core breach in the starboard nacelles and alter the fabric of space-time itself.

In fact, when Windows Phone 7 Series appears next fall, we predict the following 15 things will happen:

1. Steve Ballmer will lose 30 pounds, stop sweating, and grow hair.

2. Matt Buchanan will need an entirely new set of boxers, or possibly a colostomy bag.

3. Maemo and Symbian will finally have some competition for the title of most ridiculous mobile OS name.

4. You will actually be able to point to a Microsoft product, say "This is cooler than an iPhone," and not have someone immediately remove all sharp implements from your person. (You might, however, be ripped apart by rabid packs of Apple Fanboys.)

5. Bill Gates will finally admit that Napoleon Dynamite is his illegitimate son.

6. The Blue Screen of Death will be renamed the Azure Screen of Death in honor of the WinPho’s gorgeous high-res phone displays.

7. Scores of exciting new Windows Phone apps will begin to surface. We’re still hoping for BALLmer BUSTer and Vista Emulator.

8. Microsoft Bob will come out of hiding. Turns out it was really Robert Scoble all along.

9. The world’s last surviving Windows CE user group will finally have a reason to upgrade from their Pocket PC 2000s.

10. You’ll be slightly less embarrassed about wearing that “I went to the Windows 95 Launch Event and all I got was this stupid T-shirt” T shirt. (We did say ‘slightly.’)

11. After struggling to get a native English-speaking agent at Microsoft’s mobile support hotline, Google’s goat-run Android help desk will suddenly look a lot less ridiculous.

12. Microsoft will unveil a massive new marketing campaign for its revamped OS. Please, God, let the churros come back.

13. We might have to update our Apple/Android Fanboy quiz to include the Windows Phone 7 Series fanboy, too. But probably not.

14. Google will get millions of hits each day from Windows Phone 7 Series users looking for a way to reprogram those weird “Bing” buttons built into their devices.

15. Microsoft Fanboys will become the sex symbol of a new generation. Being fugly, furry, and unable to leave your bedroom without a hydraulic lift will become the next big craze.

Remember, you read it here first.

Photos: WinPho from TrustedReviews, Bill & Nappy from Geekpedia, Windows 95 T-shirt from Flickr.

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